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Gems of Wisdom (& Stuff)

By The Dame C

December 2010

Holiday Decorations How-to

In this merry season of joy and shopping, I would like to pause to focus on what is important about the holidays: decorations. Now I know there are peace, love, and giving and all that as well, which is fine and dandy; but your neighbors won’t sneer at you for hanging your peace askew whereas they certainly will for the animatronic reindeer and blinking stockings. Allow me to be your inner decorations elf as you begin to trim the tree or light the candles.

For the interior of your home, try to space out your decorations in an even flow throughout your jolly abode. Failure to do this properly will lead to an overwhelming yuletide explosion of ribbon and lights from ceiling to floor in just one room likely to blind your guests. And blinding guests is just poor etiquette. Furthermore, try to mix in new exciting colors in addition to the traditional ones—pink is in this year, right?

A word of warning on adornments: toss out those old candy canes you’ve been using as decorations. They melt in the summer with horrifying sticky results. Unless you want that blown-glass Santa’s facial skin to hang off like the Nazis’ in Raiders of the Lost Ark, get rid of the ancient candies. Ditto for two-cent plastic toy ornaments that originated as stoppers to seasonal candies. That’s just tacky.

If you are of the Christian persuasion, string the lights on your tree carefully up in a spiral motion inside the branch layers of your tree for maximum stylish illumination. In optimal conditions each layer will also have a slight weaving over and under branches in the interior to majestically light from within. This operation takes about a half an hour minimum for an average sized tree.

Should you be too lazy or incompetent to achieve such a complex spatial feat, I recommend roping an obsessive-compulsive friend in to do it perfectly…even if it takes all day, which it might. Nothing says the holidays like directing everyone else’s labor to achieve your holly jolly vision. Then merely apply your ornaments in a simple two-to-one quadrangle spacing ratio and find the balance point for your unevenly weighted tree topper, and the tree is all set.

As to the exterior, hang lights on the roof line, bushes, trees, and the like in straight lines or elegant swirls. Ensure that you use a fresh strand for each element, however; otherwise the haphazard sag of lights from tree to bush will make it look to your neighbors like you hung said lights while so eggnogged that you couldn’t stay standing upright.

Appearance of inebriation aside, go nuts! Toss caution and electricity bills to the wind. Because every real American nowadays knows that you’re not truly festive unless your house features at least a robotic snowman, 10 foot tall nutcrackers, and enough lights to be visible from the Hubble. You know that one house in your area that covers every spare inch of visible land with light strands and always blocks traffic with visitors parking anywhere? You should be so popular.

When in doubt, whether indoors or out, sticking a huge bow, some pine tree branches, a light strand, and/or absurdly large inflatable balloons in the shape of a woodland creature will do the trick.

Remember this is a season of giving and goodwill. By following my advice, you can give the gift of holiday style, and possibly a reason for your neighbors to wear those trendy expensive sunglasses at night too when they pass by the gingerbread man search lights in your front yard. Happy holidays!

12.18.10

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tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, holiday, decorations, how-to, ornaments, Christmas tree, Christmas lights