Huge Spaz Attack as U.S. Health Care Overhaul Enacted

DEVILS ISLAND, Ariz. – Reaction to President Obama’s signing of the sweeping national health care overhaul bill has been likened to a “widespread spaz attack” by news organizations across the United States. “Crazy sh!t is happening all over,” says AP, as the following morning newspaper headlines illustrate.

"ENTs and ERs Overrun by Choking Conservatives" - The Tequila Sunrise (Dallas, TX)

Immediately following the health care bill’s final House approval vote, hospital emergency rooms and the offices of ear, nose, and throat specialists throughout America were swamped by Republicans and fiscal conservatives with severe breathing difficulties. All patients were found to be suffering massive airway constriction due to having the 2177-page bill “jammed down their throats” according to hospital spokespersons.

"U.S. Apple Growers Sobbing Uncontrollably" - The Morning Alarm (Sleepy Hollow, WA)

Buried on page 1724 of the ObamaCare bill was the requirement that all previously uninsured Americans consume one U.S.-grown apple per day. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel explained, “Suddenly unleashing the health care demands of 32 million new patients would completely overwhelm the system. So this mandate, invoking the well known ‘apple a day keeps the doctor away’ clinical trial results, should slow new demand to a manageable trickle.” National apple growers, while ecstatic over the impending boon in sales, are worried sick over how to supply the required roughly one billion more apples per year. The resulting simultaneous bipolar flood of emotions has left most apple farmers crying their eyes out, uncertain whether to be happy or sad.

"Brokers Crushed By Health Care Stock Investors' Demand" – The Wall Street Urinal (Wall, SD)

With profits certain to skyrocket for the entire health care industry due to the vast expansion of the numbers of insured seeking services, Wall Street brokers’ phone and computer lines have been swamped and unable to keep up with frenzied investors clamoring to buy health-related stocks. Sheer bedlam particularly engulfed the NYSE trading pits of leading medical providers Dr. Pepper, The House Doctors, and Whirlpool throughout the day yesterday.

03.23.10