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My dahlin minions, Halloween is upon us. The festive masquerading marks one of my favorite holidays, and it feels apropos for the good of mankind to discuss what passes for costumes nowadays.

Let’s get something out in the open: a skimpy skirt and low-cut top does not a costume make. Every Halloween the stores are flooded with the exact same puffy-skirted mini-dress marketed as 30 different costumes. Talk about a steal for the retailers. All they need is some dye and glue and they’re in slutty business.

You know this phenomenon. How many times have you been to a Halloween party to find at least 12 normally respectable women in virtually the same outfit and think to yourself, “Hey, a harlot in every flavor”? At any other time of the year, this carbon copying and downright skankiness would be grounds for a major fashion throwdown.

Ladies, I understand the urge to cut loose, show some leg, and be a bit scandalous at the holiday soiree. This in itself is not problematic. The issue is implementation; today I witnessed an entire list of comically bad “Sexy” costumes including Chewbacca, a plumber with booty shorts also showcasing intentional plumber’s butt, a Hostess chocolate cake, and what can only be described as a Chinese food takeout box in skintight polyester dress form.

I can see it now… “Dude! Did you see the sexy garbage collector? There’s a fake banana peel right on her butt! She can toss my trash any day.” Talk about the wrong way to meet people.

Practicality is lost on these cheap excuses for accoutrement. Every year I can scarcely contain the giggles when I see a flock of women in these whorish “costumes” shivering to death from the brisk October chill. I’m all for looking saucy, but bear in mind no one is attractive with blue lips and legs shaking like an outboard motor.

Fellas, don’t think I haven’t noticed a considerable slacking on your side. What you lack in cheesy mass-marketed sex appeal, you make up for in laziness. We fabulous visions of female loveliness go through weeks and sometimes months of planning for even our store-brand slut wear, and we’re lucky if our masculine escorts bother to change their jeans. That’s just disrespectful, and if it’s one thing the Dame C cannot abide, it’s disrespect.

Donning a new t-shirt does not constitute a costume, and for some of you men folk even that is a victory. I’m not saying you need to hit the town tux and tails style with full creature makeup a la Dracula; I am saying your new persona should be distinct from the office button-downs and greasy band tees of your everyday ensemble.

While we’re on the topic (and this goes for everyone), unless you can pull something amazing and original out of your hat, don’t bother being a vampire. That’s so played out thanks to those insipid Twilight movies, which tanked the entire vampire genre through teen angst and glitter. It’s simply dreadful, and not in the good way.

People, just make an effort regardless of gender. While the Dame C herself relishes creating the best head-to-toe homemade costume at the annual soirees, not everyone need be so dedicated. Some of the best ensembles are as simple as they are clever. If all else fails, go for great photo opportunities—if your costume can spice up even the background of pictures, you’re in the zone. For instance: a striped red and white sweater and glasses (Where’s Waldo) or a horse’s head mask with normal clothing instantly render the mundane hilarious. Absurdism=Win.

So step out in your fake best and have a happy Halloween. Drink some cider, eat some candy, and party down, preferably sans normal Dead Kennedys t-shirt or cheeks hanging out of the back of your skirt.

10.18.10

The Dame C's portrait above was produced by the brilliant but elusive artist RMC.

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tags: humor, comedy, funny, silly, wisdom, Halloween, costume, slut, harlot, vampire, t-shirt