Gulf Leak CEOs Tangle on Live TV

SCROOD BAYOU, La. - Yesterday’s telecast of Jerry Springer’s hard-hitting, on-the-road talk show Live From Utopia ended in fisticuffs as CEOs of the three major companies involved in the April 20 Gulf of Mexico oil rig explosion and leak appeared together for the first time since just after the incident. Resembling elementary-school kids in a playground scrap throughout the show, each of the esteemed business leaders took turns shouting one another down while pointing fingers, hurling accusations, and name-calling. British Petroleum’s Tony Hayward, Transocean’s Steve Newman, and Halliburton’s Dave Lesar angrily belittled and continually one-upped each other by bragging of the enormous benefits his company has provided post-disaster.

“Although our role in the explosion itself was relatively minor,” said Lesar, whose company provided the cement to strengthen the well shaft, “we have gone overboard ever since by supplying a humongous amount of cement so the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and northern Florida can prevent any more crude oil from seeping in. Our super quick-setting ‘Instant Paradise’ has now successfully covered and permanently sealed every square inch of waterfront beaches and wetlands for a full 400 miles. Plus, we provided all that cement at a bulk discount, which is saving the American taxpayer billions. And, you gotta admit, our seashell white grade looks fabulous out there glistening in the sun.”

Transocean’s Newman then angrily shoved Lesar aside, growling, “That’s nothing. As designer, builder, and owner of the collapsed rig, we take full credit for the economic explosion the Gulf region is now enjoying. Some 20 thousand more people are currently hard at work in your coastal communities thanks to us, many who had been previously unemployed. With the magnitude of clean-up already needed, they’ll have steady jobs for years, scrubbing alligators and whatnot. Plus, they’re paying big bucks to stay in your hotels, eat in your restaurants, drink and fight in your taverns, and play in your red-light districts. Your businesses and tax coffers are booming following our little explosion. And you needn’t even bother to thank us. Just know, directly from the horse’s mouth, that you’re mighty welcome.”

With that, BP’s diminutive English bulldog Hayward bullied his way in front of the cameras. “As the lessee operating the sadly deceased rig, may it forever rest in peace, BP proudly accepts America’s gratitude for our trailblazing role in this unprecedented exercise,” Hayward gloated. “Thanks to our oil’s presence in such a wide variety of natural habitats--deep sea, coastal shallows, sand dunes, and marshes--to name just a few, we are relishing our critical role as God’s tool in shaping the evolution of untold numbers of plants and animals toward better tomorrows. We’ll soon find out which species are indeed the fittest, and we’ll be right there cheering them on. What a glorious opportunity for those who survive. I’m sure God will richly thank us for speeding evolution along. If you’re a BP stockholder, say ‘Amen.’”

Clearly upset over having neglected to use the powerful “God’s tool” reference themselves, Newman and Lesar stormed back to usurp the podium, fighting viciously to get in another word. The show’s riot control officers responded by firing Taser shots into the melee, immediately downing the three combative alpha males. Injections of fast-acting tranquilizers quickly restored the peace, and a truly ugly and embarrassing wrap-up to the Gulf oil debacle episode was thankfully prevented.

As the smoke cleared from the set, Springer then smiled, winked into the camera, and signed off, “from Utopia, thanks for watching.”

05.25.10