Masturbator Meets God on Chat Roulette?

EDEN FALLS, Wisc. — Apparently eschewing His Old Testament burning bush approach for the cutting edge, hi-tech method of Chat Roulette, a local resident claims that The Supreme Being reappeared on Earth yesterday for the first time in some 3000 years.

Late last night, while dressed to impress in his Frederick’s of Hollywood pink push-up bra and Hickory Farms edible, crotchless panties, Eden Falls native Jack Salott logged onto Chat Roulette and says he randomly became The Lord’s chatroom stranger.

As Salott described the incident to reporters shortly afterward, he visited Chat Roulette around midnight for his usual every-other-day pre-night-night online jerk-off. Once connected this time, Jack admitted getting really annoyed straight away, because an incredibly bright background made his chat stranger very difficult to see. “I love to watch their reactions when they spot Big Jake,” Salott said with a smile.

“Anyhow, this stranger asked right off the bat how my toenail fungus was doing. That made me pretty suspicious. Who but God would know about that?,” Jack implored.

“But then He went off on a rant. ‘What the hell is wrong with you Earthlings? I give you a perfectly good planet, and you fuck everything up!’ His exact words! I swear to ...um, God.”

“Now I know I’ve dropped a few cigarette butts out the car window now and then, but wasn’t that over-reacting a bit?,” Jack asked.

“Then He got really angry. Said, ‘I’m really pissed about all the shit you people are pulling in the name of religion. All that killing and maiming. Those are perfectly good souls you’re wasting. What the fuck are you people thinking?’ I guess if you’re God, you can swear all you want,” Salott continued.

“Then He said it was up to me to clean this shit up. Wow. Now, I’m just a toilet bowl brush salesman. That’s the only kind of shit I know how to clean up. So I called you media guys to help me out. Spread the Word, whatever. You can handle it from here on, right?,” Salott asked.

“So if you’ll excuse me, now I’m gonna go finish what I initially set out to do,” Jack said, before disappearing into his bedroom with his laptop and Kleenex box.

10.07.10

tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, hilarious, masturbator, God, Chat Roulette, stranger, chatroom, rant, earthlings, religion, killing