Claus Issues Global Warming Threat

HELL’S FURNACE, CA – Representatives from nations worldwide were stunned during the Global Warming Conference here last Friday when Santa Claus himself made a surprise appearance. Looking unusually serious despite his red and white suit and cap, Mr. Claus took the podium to voice his utmost concern over climate change and plead for drastic emissions cuts around the world. Eager to show his cooperation toward greenhouse gas reduction, Santa promised that, despite an exceptionally high number of children on his “Bad Kids” list in serious need of a stern message, he would not be delivering his traditional lumps of coal to their stockings this Christmas.

“You misbehavers are not off the hook, though,” Mr. Claus warned. “I have cell phone, email, Facebook, and Twitter account info for all you naughty little brats. Come Christmas morning, you’ll be sorry when I send all your friends a jpeg photo of your smiling face wearing a hat of steaming reindeer poo and the ugly reason why. Bet you’ll be good next year. Ho, ho, ho.”

Santa went on to explain that everyone’s Christmas hauls are increasingly threatened by global warming. “Every year it gets worse. My North Pole workshop very nearly got completely flooded by all the snow and ice melt this past summer. Thank God the Abominable Snowman cut short his Himalayan vacation to come back and stuff sandbags. He really saved the day, not to mention everyone’s presents. Next year, though, we may not be as fortunate. If this warming continues, my whole operation stands to get wiped out.” Then, just as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone.

Somberly confronted with future Christmases without cuddly toys from Santa, a critical sense of urgency swept over the conference attendees like a massive tsunami. For each one, the global warming stakes just got up close and personal. Nobody wants to be the person who killed Christmas. Look for a breakthrough agreement to arrive gift-wrapped any day now.

11.20.09