Giant Squid Species Discovered Capable
Of Complex Machine Operation, Workers Beware

ETTU, AK – Quick on the heels of last week’s breakthrough Nature article (by Australian scientists, that a species of small octopus off Indonesia uses coconuts as home-building tools) comes an even more amazing report in this week’s Modern Textiles trade magazine. In this industry’s constantly evolving quest to weave fabrics at ever lower and lower cost, textile pioneers Scrooge & Marley here giddily report that even gratifyingly inexpensive Third World labor can now be replaced by a cheaper still giant squid workforce.

As the Modern Textiles article proudly notes, this non-human squid species, abundantly found off Alaska, doesn’t have to be paid at all. “We just toss ‘em a fresh fish every now and then and they’re happy as a clam,” reported S&M spokesman Dr. Ed Specter. “What’s even better, with eight arms and sixteen eyes, one squid can run four looms at once, plus handle office duties. Those suckers are truly awesome.”

Specter went on to describe S&M’s new factory set-up. “Each giant squid occupies a large clear bucket of salt water with low sides so its arms can easily reach out. Four weaving looms radiate out from the squid’s post, pointing north, south, east, and west. Between each loom is a large touch-screen computer for ordering supplies, tracking shipping, and so forth. And the work ethic of these guys—or they may be girls, who can tell?—is incredible. They don’t even sleep.”

Scrooge & Marley predict that replacing humans with giant squid company-wide will cut costs by over 50% over the next year, making them yet again the most profitable operator in the textile industry. The downside? “Occasionally a squid will get bored and use his computer to surf the web for smut,” Specter admitted. “But since we haven’t gotten any complaints, we’re letting it slide.”

While this incredible report is certainly great news for Scrooge & Marley shareholders, the world’s labor pool of complex machine operators now has yet another threat to job security—the giant squid. With these hungry creatures from the deep lurking about, the entire world’s workforce should be afraid. Be very afraid.

12.17.09

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