Phillies Desperate, Trade for Ghanan Mojo Specialist

Swap Chris Wheeler for Voodoo Doctor

PHILADELPHIA—Bill Veeck Jr., baseball’s reigning free-thinker of the past century, the genius behind famed midget batter Eddie Gaedel, has finally been one-upped. Who’da thunk it possible? Yet Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. did just that, pulling off the wildest move in baseball history by trading long-time Phils television announcer Chris Wheeler for Ghana FIFA soccer head voodoo doctor Afadjato Kwahu.

In the team’s noon radio show this past Thursday, Amaro admitted that “These are desperate times, indeed, since the Phillies are sinking so fast in the NL East.” The GM insisted that “We had to make an extraordinary move to get our mojo back. We’ll miss Wheels, sure, but you’ve got to give top talent to get top talent. We had to shake this team up in a big way.”

Mired in a devastating two-month slump, the GM said that the Phillies were expecting nothing less from Kwahu than to resurrect this season from the dead. “Casting spells, banishing curses, dancing on hot coals, whatever it takes,” Amaro stressed. “We’ll put him in full view for every game with tribal headdress, shrunken head necklace, giraffe-bone staff, all the tools of his trade.”

Late-Night Gateway Arch Exorcism

Kwahu first met the Phillies team late Wednesday night in St. Louis, where, after yet another blowout loss, the doctor immediately conducted a demon exorcism from atop the famous Gateway Arch. After rappelling to the top with a goat strapped to his back, Kwahu burned incense with locks of each player’s hair, chanted and wailed to the baseball gods, then launched said goat into the Mississippi with a vicious shot off Ryan Howard’s bat.

Voodoo Batboy Lauded in Phils Win

When the Phillies later bounced back to win Thursday afternoon’s game against the Cardinals, Amaro was ecstatic. “I made the last second call to use Kwahu as team batboy today. We had to get him front and center right away. What a powerful presence, having Kwahu on the field. Did you see the fear in Pujols’ eyes? No question Kwahu was a big part of this win.”

Voodoo Mojo

Back at home in Philadelphia Friday night against the Colorado Rockies, the Phillies used Kwahu as hitting coach in place of just-fired Milt Thompson. In his pre-game session with the wide-eyed players, Kwahu ranted unintelligibly, danced with poisonous snakes, and skewered Rockies bobble-head dolls. During the game he barbequed broken bats over a local road-kill fire from atop the dugout. Kwahu’s voodoo rites clearly worked their magic, as the Phillies exploded with a 6-0 victory.

Afterward Amaro giddily smoked a lizard-dung pipe with Kwahu at the post-game news conference. “Oh yeah,” the obviously buzzed GM nodded. “We’ve got world-class mojo going now.”

07.24.10

(We published an earlier version of this article on sports website The Bleacher Report.)