Geek Gets Jock Itch!

HISO, HI — “My son has jock itch!,” Sirvay Csez beamed. It was the proudest moment of Sirvay’s entire life.

Proud, indeed, because Mr. Csez suddenly had hope that his 15 year old son, Simon, wouldn’t grow up to be just like him, a 5’6”, 125 lb. Certified Public Accountant, member AICPA, Mensa archivist, avid circular slide-rule collector.

The lives of this father and son had followed so many parallels that Mr. Csez had been plenty worried. Both were scrawny as kids. Both morbidly shy. Both math whizzes. Sirvay had always been picked last on sports teams. Ditto for Simon. Both the very epitome of nerdy geekdom.

Then Sirvay noticed Simon rubbing his crotch area several times around the house over the past weekend. Late Sunday afternoon, it hit him square in the nads. “Oh my god! He’s playing non-stop with his pee-pee!,” Sirvay thought in horror, shamefully recalling his own perverted adolescence.

In a total panic, the elder Csez wrestled Simon into their Certified Pre-Owned BMW and screeched off to the hospital emergency room. After a painful, nauseating eternity as the doctors and nurses attended to lava-charred tourists, shark-bite amputees, hula hip dislocations, and shattered, protruding surfboards, it was finally their turn.

Worried sick that his son was on the fast track to blindness and life in a soul-sucking cubicle, Sirvey explained what he’d observed. The doctor patiently nodded, then asked Simon to drop his trousers. Within just a few seconds the doc calmly announced his diagnosis, “Jock itch.”

Csez, the father, suddenly whooped and hollered so loud that he terrified everybody in the ER. “Jock itch! Wow! Way to go, son! Who’s yer daddy! You da man! That’s awesome!”

Mr. Csez bolted out of the exam room and ecstatically shook hands with every person in sight. “My son has jock itch!,” he giddily repeated to them, one after another, beside himself with joy. In a flash, Sirvay was gone down the corridor, still wreaking havoc.

Fortunately, that left Simon alone with the doctor, who then reassured him that simple treatment with an over-the-counter cream would clear that itchy crotch-rash right up, and soon he’d be good as new.

The only concerning question, to the doc, was how Simon had gotten it to begin with, since the jock itch fungus normally exists and spreads only in unusually warm, humid places.

After initially claiming ignorance, Simon finally admitted it. He and his three Math Team buddies had spent their lunch periods over the previous week hiding in the boy’s locker room.

There, back in the corner by the showers, they’d been lusting and jerking off over a stack of highly stimulating and provocative full-color centerfolds — multi-dimensional graphs — from Mr. Csez’s hidden stash of Down and Dirty Equations, Curves & Figures accounting journal.

09.28.10

tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, geek, nerd, jock itch, crotch, accountant