GOP Goes Ballistic Following Biden F-Bomb

WASHINGTON, DC – Now Republican Congressmen are foaming-at-the-mouth mad. It was bad enough that the Democratic majority in the House last weekend bullied their massive health care overhaul bill through to passage. But when Vice-President Joe Biden (D-Del.) gloated to the President during the signing ceremony that this legislative win was a “big f--king deal,” that’s when the Republicans went apoplectic. The vile and disgusting Democrats had to be stopped. Thus began the U.S. federal government’s latest political party-line battle royale.

The Republicans on Capitol Hill immediately began plotting and conniving, crafting new legislation aimed to bring the despicable Democrats to their knees. The GOP lawmakers want to cripple the foul-mouthed Dems by totally banning all curse words from the American lexicon except those select few found in the Bible: hell, damn, and piss. Their bill would allow only those three expletives to be used freely in any public medium at any time.

Additionally, although after often heated internal discussion, the arguably offensive word “god--mn” was ultimately Republican approved on a technicality, since both word fragments are OK individually. Public utterance of any other profanity, however, would call for a substantial fine, a prison term for heinous outbursts, and public washing out of the mouth with soap for high profile cases.

Democrats, on the other hand, counter that the Republicans are uptight, self-righteous blowhards, and that the only English words which should be legislated as taboo are those of a blatantly offensive sexual nature and the n-word.

Curiously, f--k and f--king, meaning intercourse, would be prohibited, whereas those same exact words, used as an adjective or adverb in an asexual superlative context, would be perfectly acceptable –- Biden’s “big f--king deal,” for example.

Democratic penalties for the few remaining naughty words would be limited to a $25 fine and writing “I will not say [offending word] in public” twenty times on a Telestrator at a televised news conference.

Republicans, given their recent propensity to be vehemently 100% opposed to anything the Democrats want, are struggling mightily to toe the party line on this issue, however, and not be outed as hypocrites before the American public. While their Bible-okayed curse word list strongly appeals to their conservative image and constituencies, most Republican politicians, truth be told, use the f-word and other offenders with great regularity. Some fear that reining in their own speech may leave them unable to speak at all —- virtual death for a politician.

The nation’s Democrats feel confident they’ll once again stick it to the Republicans in this controversy. Moreover, the recent American Medical Association finding, that cursing lowers stress levels, provides additional support to their pro-profanity cause. “A f--king apple a day keeps the f--king doctor away,” the cost-conscious Democrats gleefully taunt back. They may even add that requirement as a rider to this bill.

Recent polls show the Democrats likely to win the cursing battle in a rout, knocking the nation’s Republicans even further back on their heels. One good thing could come out of a GOP defeat here, however. At least the Republicans and their Fox News media talking heads will then still be able to f--king rant and scream and whine all they want.

03.27.10