Horror at G20 Pittsburgh 2009

PITTSBURGH – This year’s conference of fiscal leaders of the world’s 20 largest economies wrapped up here today with an incredible showing of group solidarity regarding our shared financial future. After days of emotionally charged and frequently highly contentious sessions, these diverse representatives nevertheless readily reached a unanimous final global financial prognosis, “Nous sommes tous foutus.” Translated into English, this terse statement concludes, “We are all fucked.” With that, all of the 20 esteemed money gurus raised their glasses, toasted, “To the next life,” and drank their cyanide-laced Dom Perignon.

Stunned closing ceremony observers had expected a warm and fuzzy, dare we say upbeat global economic forecast to emerge from this annual conference, not 20 “I’d rather be dead” financial leaders. Needless to say, these desperate final acts of the globe’s ‘best and the brightest’ economists have now triggered utter chaos in the world’s financial markets. If you weren’t already broke and unemployed, you certainly will be tomorrow. Oh, the horror.

Elsewhere, other news from this week’s G20 conference includes:

• Pittsburgh luxury hotel operators demanded that all attendees pay in Euros rather than worthless U.S. Dollars.
• Restaurant waiters and waitresses throughout Pittsburgh went out on strike after conference Day 1 because none of the foreign delegates left tips following their expensive meals, as is apparently standard overseas.
• The Pittsburgh Chamber of Commerce received a financial boon by requiring that all the thousands of G20 protesters pay a substantial fee before being given a rioting permit to appear at a designated time and location. The buildings subsequently attacked and destroyed stood in an urban renewal zone, and will no longer require city-paid demolition.
• In spite of an enormous police and security force presence in town for the conference, the local scourge Pittsburgh Pirates again evaded apprehension and jail for their many years of despicable actions.
• The combination of Pittsburgh’s steep topography and freely flowing, locally brewed Iron City beer kept local hospitals swamped with heart attack and alcohol poisoning victims from G20 attendees, protesters, onlookers, and press contingent.
• Hundreds of would-be G20 participants are still trapped in Pittsburgh’s complicated maze of bridges, tunnels, and highways, searching for the correct off-ramp.
• Next year’s G20 conference is scheduled to be held in Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Attendance may be light, however, especially after this year’s luxury hotel Euro vs. Dollar snafu.

09.22.09