Pig Adoption an Alternative to Swine Flu Shot

ATLANTA – Doctors here at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) are nearly apoplectic over the lack of adequate supplies of H1N1 swine flu immunization shots as the Northern Hemisphere nears flu season. In the U.S., sufficient shots are expected to be available for only some 30% of the population, just the lucky Death Panel winners. Poorer countries around the world are even more at risk. Of critical concern is that this particular flu strain is feared to possess the virulence and lethality of mankind’s worst ever Bubonic, Black Death, and Hideous Exploding Bowel Plagues. Desperate CDC doctors say, ironically, that the only shot alternative may be the pigs themselves.

Without enough H1N1 shots for everyone, the rest of the world’s population desperately needs another means of developing immunity. The best shot substitute, says the CDC, is to be around and handle live pigs. In fact, the CDC recommends that every family adopt a baby pig into the home.

The CDC is aware that the religions of a huge percentage of the world’s population forbid contact with pigs due to their historical association with filth and disease. The CDC hopes that, given proper cleansing and a strictly controlled diet, the resulting purified pigs might receive a handling exemption from the world’s spiritual leaders. Certainly, these would have to be clean pigs. Really clean pigs. Inside and out.

Proper pig cleansing, of course, demands extreme measures. Jaime Twinklestein, of Swine Enthusiast magazine, provided necessary details. Step one, upon the piglet’s arrival at the home, entails thorough cleaning of the pig’s innards, beginning with the stomach, which must be purged. “Like in people, gastric contents expulsion is easy by just poking a finger down the pig’s throat, or, if you’re timid, Ipecac syrup. Lacking that, four quick shots of Jagermeister will do the trick.”

That accomplished, the pig’s intestines and colon are purged in, again, standard fashion with laxatives. “Swine go wild over chocolate, so use flavored tablets like Ex-Lax. Belgian Dark chocolate is their favorite.” These steps are most smoothly conducted in a grassy back yard. City dwellers, however, may need to limit the pig purgation to a bathtub or shower area, or perhaps an apartment balcony. “Wear goggles. Hip waders, too, if you have ‘em,” Jaime said. “And keep a water hose ready.”

Externally, due to quite delicate skin, each pig requires a daily tub bath with a hypoallergenic soap or bubble bath, “which pigs just love. Make sure to scrub those difficult bikini areas.” After towel (cotton only) or blow drying (not too hot!), once a week the pig’s hoofs require rigorous cleaning, akin to that provided by a local nail salon. “For simplicity, just drive the pig right to the salon. Pigs love car rides and all that fuss and attention,” said Twinklestein.

To maintain a purified pig, they must be restricted to clean, acceptable foods and beverages. Rule of thumb, anything people eat or drink is OK for the pig. Tiffany Bacon, of Modern Porcine Living magazine, recommends making the pig like a regular member of the family, with its own plate or bowl at the family table during daily meals. “The pig will be happier, and so will the family. Careful with the alcohol, though. A tipsy pig is prone to pick a fight.”

With each family member taking part in the initial purging and subsequent bathing, feeding, exercise, TV, and playtime, the regular contact should build up each person’s immune system to handle any swine related bugs. Come flu season, this naturally developed swine immunity should provide complete protection against the deadly H1N1 flu virus strain.

Cool weather and flu season are right around the corner. On its ‘Grim Reaper Beckons’ web page, the CDC adamantly insists that every family not getting the shots must adopt a piglet and initiate the immunization process as soon as possible. Your very lives may depend on it.

09.24.09