9/11 Florida Pastor Blasts Koran...to Smithereens

GAINESVILLE — Praise be and hallelujah. This past Saturday, September 11, the 9th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the United States, Florida’s radical Islam-hating Most Holy Reverend Pastor Terry Jones Boanhedd heeded the worldwide outcry and warnings and didn’t burn any Korans. Say amen.

Although he and his congregation — the Gainesville Great God Almighty Church of the One and Only True God in Heaven — still held their “Stuff God Hates” weekly bonfire in their Holy Parking Lot, they didn’t toss in even one of their 200 Korans. Just Lady Gaga CDs, Spanish Rosetta Stone tapes, and bottles of Wesson Oil. Glory!

Rather, he and his Holy Horde stunned onlookers by spending the entire afternoon spreading the words and teachings of Islam’s most sacred text across much of Central Florida. Holy Cow.

After the Holy Inferno had dwindled, the Good Lord’s Holy Servant led his Holy Worshipers out back to the church’s combination “Eat Lead, Satan” Holy Shooting Range and Pig Sty. While standing ankle deep in Holy Porcine Excrement wearing his Holy Knee Boots, the Chosen One began speaking in tongues to his Faithful Flock.

“Snort, oink oink, grunt. Neigh, whinny whinny oink, grunt, spit. Cluck, cluck, cock-a-doodle-doo. Hee-haw, honk, honk, cuckoo-cuckoo. Burp, snork, baaa baaa, oink. Hiss, belch.”

The Almost Wholly Holy Assistant Reverend kneeling nearby immediately nodded, jumped up from the fecal matter, and translated. “This glorious morning, Our Almighty God spoke to His Reverend Holiness through his Alfa-Bits bowl,” he said.

“Those golden delicious morsels of crunchy oats and vitamins spelled out exactly what We The One And Only True God Lovers have to do. Render into the Sacred Ether the sham that is Islam! This so-called religion is nothing but unintelligible, blasphemous, animalistic babblings of nonsense.”

His Almost Wholly Holiness then drew a deep breath, looked down solemnly, and added, “It was a very big bowl. Amen.”

The Apprentice Hope-to-Soon-Be-Almost-Wholly-Holy Assistant Pastor then rose from his seat in the excrement, bowed his head, and translated further. “In regular words, God said Islam is total horse hooey, and the Koran’s gotta go back to Satan, from which it came.”

The Most Holy Reverend Pastor Boanhedd again took over. “As Our One and Only Good Lord in Heaven ordains, so shall we obey.” He then unlocked the Holy Firearms Arsenal Cabinet and withdrew the “God’s Will Be Done” Holy Instrument of Divine Reckoning 12-Gauge Shotgun.

The Apprentice Hope-to-Soon-Be-Almost-Wholly-Holy Assistant Pastor then tossed the first Koran copy skyward. The Most Holy Reverend Pastor Boanhedd tracked its Godly Decreed Arc across the Holy Heavens, then, KABOOM, blasted that Koran to smithereens with the Holy 12-Gauge.

Each Holy Member of the Great God Almighty congregation then humbly took his or her turn praising the One True Lord and pulling the Koran-confetti-making trigger. And an Almighty Holy Wind didst then dutifully rise up and scatter those zillions of earthly Koran remains far and wide across His Holy Land of True Believers in Central Florida.

And there was much rejoicing. At least until shortly thereafter, when the You Tube video hit the Almighty and Decidedly Unholy Internet.

09-14-10

tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, religion, Florida, pastor, reverend, Koran, Islam, 9/11, holy, God, Satan, shotgun