Feudin’ and Wreckin’ to Fuel NASCAR Future

REDD NECK, Georgia – “The car was screamin’, I was screamin’, and a hundred thousand NASCAR fans were screamin’. There I was, flyin’ past the grandstand upside down at 190 miles an hour in my Mopar/Flo TV Dodge when all of a sudden it hit me. Whammo. Like a 3400 pound stock car into concrete. Just before I blacked out, I was thinkin’, ‘Man y’all, this is what people pay big money to see. Excitin’ stuff. If I live through this here crash, my inner business guru is seein’ a massive marketin’ opportunity ahead.’” So said Brad Keselowski after he regained consciousness following his car’s horrific, flipping wreck near the end of last week’s Kobalt Tools 500 NASCAR race.

Following his death-defying epiphany, Keselowski rolled in his wheelchair straight over to Carl Edwards’ pit garage to personally thank him for deliberately inducing the spectacular wreck. Brad told Carl, “Listen up pal. If we play this right, both us’n NASCAR can totally take over the news headlines’n make us all tons of money.”

Keselowski then rolled his idea over to NASCAR president Mike Helton, where Brad drove home his marketing pitch. “What do NASCAR fans love most, besides beer and naked women? Wrecks and feudin’, that’s what. So let’s give ‘em what they want.” Brad continued with his brilliant plan, pounding Helton’s desk with his forearm cast. “How ‘bout if me’n Carl bad-mouth each other to the press this week? Maybe take a coupl’a swings at each other in the pits with cameras ’n reporters close by. Then, in Sunday’s race, after we bump each other a few times, I’ll put him hard into the wall. Payback. People’ll just go completely nuts ’n interest in NASCAR’ll totally take off. Heck, we could keep it up all season.”

Helton loved the idea. “Hell yeah. We could even pack Carl’s car with explosives’n extra gas and stage the scariest, most awe-inspirin’ crash ever. Put some serious show-biz into the sport. That’ll put lotsa cash-spendin’ fannies into the seats. That, plus maybe big-boobed babes in bikinis selling beer in the stands. After all, just drivin’ around in circles is boring as hell.”

03.11.10