Sour Pusses Abound After Female Viagra Fails

HYENDRY, Nev. - For the all-male staff of the Hoerndogg Pharmaceutical Institute, this past Monday was a very sad day indeed. At precisely 9 a.m. Dr. Bill Lubalz, lead scientist of Hoerndogg’s “female Viagra” clinical trial, stood stiffly and sullenly before them, the media, and investors and disclosed that the Institute’s sexual-stimulant-for-women drug tests had proven a dismal failure. No sex-crazed cougars on the prowl. No screaming, toe-curling orgasms. Nothing.

For those dedicated researchers in attendance, each one the stereotypical quintessence of the insanely driven scientist, the hopes and dreams of their entire post-puberty lives had just been vaporized like a blood-engorged mosquito in a high-voltage bug zapper. The announcement ripped their very hearts out, much like back in junior high, when gaggles of giggling girls had called them total losers and shooed them away from spin-the-bottle and truth-or-dare games.

Yes, the news struck like a swift kick in the nuts. The men at the Hoerndogg Institute had yearned for, studied for, and toiled countless hours in the lab for a female Viagra drug since before there even was a Viagra. Something, anything, that desirable females could one day take to arouse their libidos, to stoke their sexual fires, to make them, by God, horny and in urgent search of a mate. A scientist mate, perhaps. But here the drug trial had failed. Now the Hoerndogg men would never get laid.

Looking back afterward, the chemically reliant Romeos tried to determine where they had gone wrong. They had studied mice in heat, rats in heat, cats in heat, dogs in heat, cows in heat, monkeys in heat, even laughing hyenas in heat. The talented Hoerndogg scientists had figured out how to turn on the female mating instincts in every species with just one tiny pill. Every species! Except, alas, humans.

In retrospect, the Hoerndogg researchers had neglected to do one, oh so simple, but critical thing--ask a real, live woman if a feminine libido enhancer were even within the slightest realm of possibility. Far too late to help, yesterday Institute scientist Willie Smalls, after cleaning out his desk following his layoff, finally got up the nerve and asked his sister that very key question.

“Are you kidding me? No way,” she laughed. “You see, for women, sexually, it’s absolutely true that size is what’s important. The bigger, the better. Huge is good. Enormous is great,” she smiled.

“But it’s not what you’re thinking,” she continued. “It’s the size of a guy’s bank account and earning power that get our motors running. We never get horny. Gosh, no. How silly. We offer just enough sex so the man will stay around and take care of us. A libido pill for women will never work. Duh.”

“A cruise in the French Riviera,” she said excitedly, “on the other hand, with excellent food, wine, desserts, dancing, swimming, massages, where we don’t ever have to lift a finger, THAT, will get you laid. Sorry. Hope you’ve got some money in the bank.”

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