Mad Scientists Lust for Female Aphrodisiac

KUMSHAGG, ME – Since the dawn of time, when the caveman first became erect, males have been frustrated and angered by women’s complete lack of interest in sex. In recent decades, pharmaceutical researchers have doggedly sought a substance which would end this desire disparity by stimulating the female libido, hopefully leading to improved sexual satisfaction and quality of life for both partners. Dr. Needah Lay of the Blue Balls Institute this morning discussed his lab’s discoveries in this field.

“Early Institute researchers first scoured the zoological literature, looking for any species where the females are the sexual aggressors,” Dr. Lay said. “They found only one, the praying mantis. Unfortunately, in that case, after luring her mate and copulating, the female praying mantis then kills and eats the male. Our scientists admittedly were a tad leery of pursuing that lead.”

Nevertheless, pursue it they did, eventually successfully isolating the chemical substance which switched on the female mantis’s mating instincts. Then, by synthesizing and testing thousands of chemical structural derivatives, Institute investigators found one compound for which the pharmaceutically aroused female praying mantis no longer attacked the male after intercourse, but remained cheerful and actually initiated repeat sexual activities. “The female mantis got horny and stayed horny after being dosed. No negative behavior at all. We were finally on the right track.”

Blue Balls scientists then tested this improved sexual stimulant in other species. To their absolute amazement, it worked in every animal family examined. In each case, normally docile females became sexually aggressive, initially exhibiting a flirting behavior, then what was interpreted to be “talking dirty,” then finally chasing the males and forcing them to submit to intercourse. “Of course, in no species did the males put up any resistance whatsoever to counter the lusty female.”

With those glowing successes, Blue Balls investigators recently proceeded to test this apparent aphrodisiac in human clinical trials with adult women. The initial low dose regimens were disappointing, with no effect being observed. However, within ten minutes of a higher dose of 10 mg/kg, all eight of the female subjects suddenly ran into their bathrooms, put on heavy makeup, lipstick, and perfume, and bolted out the door. Racing to catch up with the subjects, the researchers found a steady path of clothing articles the women discarded on their dash outside.

“Finally, we spotted the women, all completely naked, running in a frenzy in the grassy pasture behind the Institute. Quickly, each one disappeared from view down into the tall grass. We heard panting, then moans, finally screams of ecstasy. Just when we caught up with the closest subject, we saw her stuffing a green object into her mouth. A male praying mantis, unfortunately. So it’s back to the drawing board for us Blue Ballers.”

08.05.09

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