Taliban Under Hellacious Family Jewels Attack

BADA BLING, Afghanistan - U.S. General Julian Tiffany III confidently mounted his Abrams M-1 tank late this morning to lead his warriors into what should be the Afghanistan war’s decisive battle, his diamond- and ruby-studded gold epaulet stars, cufflinks, and neckerchief gleaming in the desert sun. “Two objectives, boys and girls,” he shouted with a noticeable lisp. “One, let’s blow these Taliban weenies to Never-Neverland. Two, thar’s gold in them thar hills. Make Mommy and Daddy proud.”

Tiffany’s impetus was a June front page article in the New York Times detailing a whopping trillion dollars worth of gold, copper, and other precious metal ores discovered in the Afghanistan mountains. Just lying there. The news lit a nuclear warhead under high U.S. honchos from Kabul to Washington, who immediately began screaming for immediate Taliban annihilation and immediate, full Coalition control of the region. Grab that gold immediately, before the Chinese or Russkies can.

Fortuitously, since both the raw metallic riches and the Taliban bad guys are located in the very same Afghanistan mountains, both figured to be extractable at the very same time by the very same method—high explosives. Even more fortuitously, our forces were already nearby, armed to the eyeballs with copious high explosives. So dutifully, just a few short hours ago, Tiffany’s U.S.-led Coalition forces escalated the conflict to hell-on-earth intensity—Operation Family Jewels.

Tiffany and his tanks took off to shell the bejeezus out of the Afghan hills, while Navy and Air Force bombers began pounding the high peaks, all aiming to reduce the entire region to one big pile of rubble. Within a few short weeks, both the Taliban enemy fighters and the metal-rich Afghanistan mountains should be nothing but pulverized, smoldering memories. Then the Coalition plans to send in armies of bulldozers, trucks, and mobile refineries and clean up. Really clean up. Ka-ching.

At current market prices the precious metal bounty is expected to pay for the Afghanistan war effort a thousand times over. U.S. big-shots, to their great credit, are generously promising a “fair cut” of the loot to whatever Afghanis remain alive once the bombing ends. Oh yeah, and a peaceful democracy.

The American public, weary and jaded from so many years mired in distant battles and deep recession, is thrilled to believe the war in Afghanistan will soon be won. And with good reason. A trillion good reasons, actually.

07.11.10