FIFA 2010 Rocks America...to Sleep

After decades desperately trying to make an impact in this country, and recently aided by massive ESPN TV hype, the greatest sporting event on Earth, the FIFA World Cup soccer tournament, is finally rocking the United States in 2010. Rocking...to sleep. Sound, peaceful sleep. Sawing giant sequoia logs sleep. Zzzzzz.

Shift workers and sleep disorder clinics across the country report miraculous insomnia cures since the June 11 tournament kickoff thanks to the around-the-clock ESPN television coverage of FIFA’s four-a-day opening round World Cup matches. “For our sleep disorder patients, this soccer showcase has been a godsend,” said Dr. Neva Nevaland of the Sleepless in Seattle Institute. “For example, just fifteen minutes watching the ‘thrilling’ U.S. versus England first-round match last weekend put Beula Henpeck, who hadn’t slept for eight years, into a complete vegetative coma. She still hasn’t woken up. We now know that the strongest narcotics and sedatives in our arsenal don’t come close to the sleep-inducing effects of World Cup soccer. Even our nurses and orderlies keep toppling over, fast asleep, just from being in the same room while soccer is on TV.”

U.S. pharmaceutical companies have certainly taken notice. These die-hard pill pushers are reportedly in high-level negotiations with FIFA, ESPN, and the FDA to license videotapes of this year’s tournament for over-the-counter sleep-aid use. Unconfirmed drug insiders acknowledge that five to fifteen minute dosages of popular 2010 World Cup matches should become available for the sleep-deprived on drugstore shelves by summer’s end.

Congratulations, FIFA. Americans haven’t slept this well since the Dan Quayle-Al Gore Vice-Presidential debates almost 20 years ago. You’ve made your impact, and millions of well-rested Americans say thank you.

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