New Emu Economy Exhilarates Delaware

DOVER, Del. — Ginormous emu egg omelets. Libido electrifying emu pheromones. Plush, pampering emu feather beds. Penis lengthening, pain relieving, wrinkle removing emu oil. Yummy, naturally chocolate emu milk. Luxurious emu leather bowling shoes, limousine seats, and bathrobes. And then there’s the racing — thrilling, action packed, and only in Delaware.

Praise be the emu, savior of the First State economy!

Credit the brilliant, bold plan hatched in early 2009 by the Delaware Occupational Development Office (DODO) in response to the devastating recession. Thanks to DODO’s $2 million investment to create the world’s first organized emu racing series right here at Dover Downs, in just a year and a half the emu and emu-related industries have launched Delaware into the economic stratosphere.

Delaware celebrated its emu-centric boom yesterday in the state’s all-time biggest public spectacle — the emu racing season ending Delaware Doodah Derby — attended by 140,000 frenzied fans and a rapt international television audience estimated at 12 billion. Surpassing even the Kentucky Derby in pompous pomposity, yesterday afternoon Dover Downs was THE place to be and be seen.

Celebrity sightings included Lady Gaga, resplendent in a brilliant pink emu feather boa, matching emu tongue mono-kini, and emu leather go-go boots, as well as The Situation, oozing class in his black emu hide top hat, bow tie, G-string, and emu leg cane. Oprah, to her great shock and chagrin, however, was shooed away at the gate for both want of a ticket and shameful lack of emu paraphernalia.

The crowd went wombat wobbly wild as the stoic, focused jockeys in their brightly patterned silks paraded onto the high-banked one mile oval track, delicately perched atop their powerfully muscled thoroughbred emu mounts. With some $400 billion wagered internationally on the elite 20 emu field, the entire world screeched to a halt to watch.

And what a race it was! A thrilling side-by-side battle of size, speed, and stamina! Six wide around the Emus, Gnus & News Turns One and Two! Viscious bumping, kneeing, and head-butting down the back Emu Steak ‘n Shake Straightaway! Multiple lead changes through the Emu Ecstasy Elixirs Turns Three and Four! And finally, Screaming Banshee’s unbelievable last-to-first heart-stopping burst down the front Emu Suds & Spa Straightaway to win by a beak! Absolute delirium at the Monster Mile!

Even though nursing a massive champagne-induced hangover, today the state of Delaware towers over the entire nation, jubilantly swimming in its newfound emu riches, a gleaming success story of the American entreprenurial spirit and the willingness to dream big.

All hail the mighty bird which cannot fly!

10.04.10

tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof news, emu, economy, Delaware, racing, leather, Derby, Lady Gaga, The Situation, Oprah, Dover Downs