EPA Gloats “Mission Accomplished”

MOURNING GLORY, MS - Irma Geddon, Acting Head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, bounded to the outdoor podium in beautiful Edsel Park earlier this afternoon to deliver news that the huge gathered throng had long been eager to hear. “Thanks to the now fully mature U.S. economy and the profound efforts of this nation’s financial industry, America’s natural environment today stands at its cleanest point in over 200 years,” Geddon bragged to begin. The many thousands of treehuggers, swamp rats, and big-game hunters in the audience jumped up and cheered raucously at this great news.

“In addition,” she went on, “with the present combination of virtually all manufacturing being done overseas, plus so few vehicles remaining on our roads to have to worry about, the EPA is proud today to say ‘Mission Accomplished,’ and pleased to announce an Agency headcount reduction from over 17,000 employees to only 27. How about that, y’all? Your government is actually getting smaller and, for a change, will soon be saving enormous taxpayer dollars!” The 50 or so Tea Partiers in attendance then leaped to their feet and roared their approval by joyously firing thousands of rounds from their handguns and AK-47s into the air.

There you have it, America. Since our current service economy and corporate right-sizing have nearly totally eliminated this country’s former sources of pollution, the EPA will need only a token number of employees to keep an eye on things going forward. The Agency’s budget, which last year stood at a whopping $7.1 billion, will shortly be slashed to a minuscule $12 million. That’s a ton of green soon becoming available to help America dig out of its massive budget hole. Finally!

Fiscal conservatives and smaller-government-is-better-government proponents around the country took the news with cautious optimism. “Clean air and water. La-dee-da,” said Rush Limbaugh afterward on his national radio program. He continued, “But HELL YES, people, at last our responsible spending message seems to be getting through to those pea-brained idiots in Washington.” Elsewhere, Fox News, a notoriously right-leaning organization, immediately posted the huge headline “Stench Around DC Improves Slightly” on its Web site, apparently their way of saying that the Democrat-led federal government is finally doing one small thing right.

So get outside, America, especially those millions of you freshly liberated from that daily 9-to-5 drudgery, and bask in our sparkling clean air, countryside, and waterways. You’ll soon be enjoying your countless free hours in the great outdoors with many thousands of those who helped make it possible. Be sure to thank ‘em. You might also want to reserve your favorite spot in Mother Nature today. The growing countrywide clamor for reduced government spending could hopefully lead to more and more ex-Washingtonians out there vying for your place in the sun.

04.01.10