Incredibly Dumb Criminals Found Stricken With Gold Fever

ATLANTA – Hot on the heels of the nation’s deadly swine flu outbreak comes yet another potential scourge, gold fever, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC). This disease, known for centuries and marked by sporadic outbreaks, has no cure or preventive vaccine, in contrast to swine flu, and its mode of transmission remains a mystery. What is well known, however, is that gold fever produces madness and outright criminal stupidity in those afflicted. Local authorities report that a number of serious gold fever cases have recently been confirmed in the metro area.

Fred C. Dobbs of Pyrite, Nevada was caught last Monday at 2 a.m. by sheriff’s deputies behind the Richland Mall’s Toyz Emporium store tossing Goldilocks dolls into the back of his SUV through a shattered stockroom door. Upon searching Dobbs’ vehicle, police also suspiciously found four pairs of ultra-sharp scissors, razors, and a stack of ‘Cash For Gold’ envelopes. While alarmed officers initially feared a Nazi skin-head link, subsequent investigation revealed gold fever as the probable cause.

Also early last Monday, Walter and John Huston, both of Sierra Madre, California were charged with breaking and entering and theft following their capture behind the Piccadilly Plants & Pianos store, after having tripped a silent alarm. Quite curiously, the pair was caught fleeing on foot while leading two burros loaded with a power generator, indoor plant-growing lamps, bags of potting soil, fertilizer, trays, and several boxes of goldenrod flower seeds. Upon intense questioning, the elderly Huston finally cracked and admitted their plan to grow a huge quantity of goldenrod plants in an abandoned mine in the hills nearby, then sell the harvested gold rods for untold millions.

This past Wednesday afternoon, Kate Klondike of Kodiak, Kansas brazenly crashed her car tight through the Krazy Korner Wawa’s front plate glass window, then jumped out, grabbed every box of Goldfish crackers and Golden Grahams cereal off the shelves, drove back out, and sped off. When caught by police at her residence some two hours later, Klondike was found in possession of a Heavy Metals Purification laboratory manual while the stolen food boiled in a smelly concoction in several pots in her kitchen.

The latest bizarre incident occurred Friday night at 9 p.m. inside Fantasy Mall when James Marshall of Sutter’s Mill was stopped by mall security near the ‘We Buy Gold’ kiosk. Mr. Marshall allegedly had stuffed his pants, shirt, and jacket with an entire aquarium-full of live jumbo goldfish from the nearby Cuddly Critters pet shop. An alert Cuddly employee called security after observing a path of water trailing the suspect and odd jerky movements in his clothing.

This rash of such unbelievably idiotic crimes has U.S. authorities gravely concerned that a new gold fever outbreak may be about to sweep the nation with possibly tragic consequences. CDC spokeswoman Ursula Knox expects the gold fever-induced madness and criminal stupidity to intensify over the next several months. “We know from past outbreaks that this insidious disease can be extremely virulent and typically requires a year or two to run its course. Our mission is to educate the public to look for signs of bizarre gold-related behavior. We then suggest that all afflicted individuals be locked away in a straight-jacket, sorry, quarantined, until the fever naturally subsides on its own.”

11.05.09

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