Delaware Expanding Slots Locations
To Public Restrooms, More

LAS DOVER, DE – Due to the 2008-2009 ‘Mother-of-All-Recessions,’ Delaware officials today announced an ace-in-the-hole strategy to increase state revenues while neither raising taxes nor cutting services. More slot machines. Lots more. In more places. Lots more.

First State lawmakers recently concluded that the present policy restricting the location of state-run casinos to only the current horse-racing venues (Delaware Park in Wilmington, Dover Downs, and Harrington Raceway) is far too confining. Blue Hen leaders now want to place the one-armed bandits within virtually everyone’s easy reach, a la Las Vegas, only more so.

As visitors who fly to Vegas know, slot machines there greet arrivals right at the airport gate, as well as in the casinos. Easy access. Almost too easy. Aha!

Delaware now boldly plans to place slot machines in all the places where crowds normally gather, such as shopping malls, grocery stores, hospitals, funeral homes, beach boardwalks, stadiums, gymnasiums, train and bus stations, even houses of worship. All to make slots betting easy as pie, plus it’s non-fattening.

The state also plans to place slot machines right at its Delaware Turnpike toll booths on I-95 and at the Delaware Memorial Bridge. Since these locations mostly serve out-of-staters just passing through, these revenues won’t even come out of Delawareans’ pockets. As travelers pay the tolls, they’ll be asked if they’d also like to play the slot machine for a chance to win mega-big bucks. Nearly all cars have spare coins piled in cup-holders and glove compartments, so DE authorities expect to rake in tons of easy cash. From foreigners! Plus, by integrating toll-booth slots with its EZ-Pass automated payment system, time-saving bettors can even go cashless. Maybe win money back into their accounts.

But one new state-mandated slot machine expansion site has DE brass positively giddy with excitement—public restrooms at businesses and restaurants throughout the state. One slot machine, accepting all denominations of bills and coins, plus credit and debit cards, even food stamps, will be required at every restroom urinal and toilet stall in the state, except in private homes. DE lawmakers recognize restrooms as primo slots locations, with a captive audience having time to kill, few other distractions, and ready access to purses and wallets. Payoff toilets! Ka-ching.

“We couldn’t dream up a more ideal location. What better place for someone to win the big one? And what’s that big winner’s first reaction gonna be? Piss all over themselves, that’s right. This way they won’t have to pee on themselves, since they’ll already be at the toilet. It’s perfect, in every way,” said Delaware Governor Jack Markell.

The Delaware Division of Revenue and the state’s Gambling, Smoking, Boozing, and Prostitution Task Force expect explosive success from this slots betting expansion. They even predict an eventual cut in state taxes thanks to the slots growth windfall. “It’ll be win-win for everybody,” Markell promised. “We’re installing thousands of new machines as fast as we can, hopefully for a July 4th kickoff. Let the good times roll.”

06.23.09