British Cemeteries Dying for Space

LONDON – Cemetery directors throughout England discussed last Monday, on The BBC Knightly News, the impending death of their industry due to a critical shortage of grounds for burial plots. Centuries of urban development long ago consumed all the plantable land, leaving these desperate graveyards with no further room for expansion. That limitation, coupled with several millennia worth of already expired, grave-inhabiting souls mean that UK burial grounds now stand up-to-the-eye-sockets full. The directors somberly expect to reach capacity at all existing cemeteries within just two months. What, then, to do with the interminable numbers of freshly and soon to be dead?

British Parliament, thusly made aware of this morbidly critical situation, responded immediately by hotly debating potential remedies over the past few gloomy, dark gray London days. Thankfully, the government lords recognized the problem’s gravity and quickly enacted legislation attacking both the not quite and completely dead full-on, including:

• One-way, government-paid Eurorail tickets are to be provided to the terminally ill and decrepitly old for death and burial abroad, preferably in France.
• A “Save the Polar Bears” program is to launch next week, wherein nature lovers can choose that their crunchy and highly nutritious mortal remains be flown to the Arctic and fed to these breathtakingly beautiful but desperately hungry animals.
• A “Burn for Britain” initiative, wherein Parliament Power & Light’s coal-fired power plant immediately begins to accept corpses for cremation, thereby allowing the dead to make one final earthly contribution by giving back to the nation’s electricity grid to keep those iPods humming. Sorry, ashes unreturnable.

The nation’s funeral and cemetery directors agree that these new programs will provide attractive body-disposal alternatives going forward. Yet, until they do run completely out of graveyard sites, these directors are pleased to hereby announce, as a final space-saving option, vertical burial.

For those lucky few who die in the very near future and book soon, a limited number of plots do remain allowing caskets to be interred standing on end, or for the so inclined, on your heads. To reserve your space for all eternity, call before midnight tonight. Operators are standing by. And be sure to wear comfortable shoes when your time comes (or a nice soft hat).

11.17.09

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