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Winter has finally shown up in the North East after several weeks of toying with us with mild temperatures. Being in the icy grip, our cabin fever returns and we ponder what to do other than go on an obsessive-compulsive cleaning binge or watch marathons of reality TV. One popular answer, particularly in the affluent and/or back end of nowhere mountainous regions, is winter sports. Yes, it always seems like a good idea at the time. “Want to go skiing?” “Sure, why not?” The why not always appears afterwards.

Allow me to elucidate why winter sports tend to be a bad idea. Skiing, or “controlled falling” as a friend likes to call it, looks easy. In fact the opposite is the case, as “control” is the operative word. While a ski weekend conjures up images of slaloming with ease down an ivory-tipped mountain in jaunty cold weather gear, followed by frothing cups of (Irished up) coffee or hot chocolate while seated around a roaring fire in the lodge. More likely, the day will go like this: wake up at the crack of dawn to hit the slopes only to find them crowded anyway, realize you forgot what little you did know about skiing and promptly do a series of face plants on the bunny slope, and then get overcharged for a hot dog and a beer at the lodge cafeteria. Will we never learn?

This effect can be lessened by going with friends. Except for expert skiiers, your buddies will probably also end up at the lodge with an ice packs on limbs and a mutual need for a stiff drink. Exploit this and negotiate your way back from whence you came to a hot shower and a nap, or a trip to the spa instead of another run down the mountain. Nothing says friendship like talking everyone back to somewhere with comfortable furniture and warm food.

The same can be said for snowboarding. Snowboarding can be even more insidious because anyone born after 1980 is programmed to think any sport preceded by the word “EXTREME” is cool, and by extension automatically easy for young people. Lies! Snowboarding is another example of controlled falling, only this time with no simple braking system. Be prepared to fall a lot. Spring for the rental helmet and cajole any competent boarders into sticking with you as a teacher. You’ll need the protection of the former and the guidance of the latter.

I suppose it would be remiss of me to say that skiing and snowboarding aren’t fun. Wooshing down the side of a hill is quite exhilarating. Both can be a real blast right up until the point where your body tries to get ahead of your sliding apparatus & gravity laughs at you. It’s just a matter of compromise. If you are willing to accept the achy muscles, bumps, bruises, and occasional mild concussion, then maybe a ski weekend with a rowdy group of comrades is the right way to escape the winder doldrums after all. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if you’re laid up getting a leg splinted by ski patrol by the end of it.

02.14.12

tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, snow days, winter, winter sports, skiing, controlled falling, snowboarding, cabin fever, extreme, control, ski weekend, friendship, ski lodge