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Mugs & Steins

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I believe it is high time for a little chat about etiquette.

Once the purview of grandmothers everywhere, nowadays it is getting ever more difficult to teach good manners in between everyone working three jobs to get by and running out for double mocha lattes.

Since yours truly has a double dose of Southerner in her veins, proper etiquette was hammered into my brain at an early age. I must say, my dahlin minions, I’m a bit aghast at how few people display proper behavior in everyday life.¹ I don’t even mean the debutante cotillion stuff about the proper placement of the shrimp fork — I’m talking about simple run-of-the-mill things run amok.

Therefore permit me to point out a few easy behavioral guidelines for this modern American age of ours.

The first thing to address is cursing.

Sometimes standard language just isn’t enough to express your thorough frustration and pain level. In such cases only an expletive will do. It is perfectly acceptable to let a few fly when a luxury car driver doing 120 mph in a 30 mph zone almost takes off your bumper, even a colorful sentence or two if kiddies aren’t in the car with you.

What would cause the face of many a grandmother to turn scarlet from shock is how out of control casual cursing can be.

If, for instance, you regularly use the F-word as a noun, verb, adverb, and adjective in one sentence, then perhaps what you really need is a good thesaurus app for your smart phone. Clearly you can’t find the proper words to express yourself, and variety is the spice of life. Similarly, when someone relies exclusively on expletives for pronouns on happy topics, it is your duty as a listener to roll your eyes and point out that “he,” “she,” and “it” are much shorter, just as effective words to deploy.²

Another segment of etiquette oft overlooked is table manners.

Again, I mean common respect for the host and other people at the table. Unless you know you’re allergic to the main dish, it is quite insulting to show up to dinner with a sub sandwich from the gas station quick mart. At least try a nibble of the food; chances are it’s not the monkey brains and bugs banquet from Indiana Jones.

Also, resist the urge to check your cell phone every 3.5 seconds. Your new top score in Angry Birds can wait until your fingers aren’t covered with crumbs. Give eye contact with other table-mates a try — you may find it quite invigorating!

My final pet peeve for the day is devastatingly easy to fix. In a conversation, it is still common courtesy to at some point ask how the other person is doing, and then actually listen for the reply.

You would be annoyed if, after chatting for an hour with a friend, that friend never bothered to get around to how you’re doing. It’s inconsiderate and you’d rightly be irritated. Why wouldn’t others feel the same way?

Furthermore, it baffles me every time when a person does ask after you but then treats the question as a statement. Call me old fashioned, but I like sentences that end in question marks (which aren’t rhetorical) to actually be questions. You know how it is: “Hi. How are you?” “I’m—” “Anyway, I need you to do this.” This is rude because the one saying comes off as A) not listening, B) self-centered, or C) DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT A QUESTION MEANS. None of these are good conversation skills or reflect well upon a speaker. Take the extra few seconds to listen to the answer before plunging into the business at hand. People will like you more.

So permit me to wrap this up with a plea for common courtesy. Please use good etiquette. You’ll be doing yourself and everyone else a pleasant favor.

Much obliged.

__________

¹I grant that not all people are manner-less pigs, and my current experience may be affected by residence in the state known for a TV show about overly tanned, alcoholic, insipid club monkeys that were so bad Long Island threw them out.

²This can be translated into common parlance as, “You’re being an idiotic asshole.”

01.16.12

tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, behavioral guidelines, etiquette, table manners, cursing, Angry Birds, cell phone, common courtesy, respect, conversation