Department of Motor Vehicles Soars
From Hellhole to Hedonist Mecca

SYNN CITY — From the most loathed destinations in the state to the most loved in only 12 months. An absolute miracle. Credit new Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) Director Joy O’Vecstasie’s idealistic vision and deep understanding of human psychology for transforming the state’s DMV sites into the new #1 playgrounds for adults.

Think back. For decades, any trip to the DMV was like getting a root canal. Several hours of pain and suffering with no hope of escape. Chronically understaffed, surly employees, interminable lines — a day in hell. No more! Say amen!

Just one year ago, our esteemed Governor hired Ms. O’Vecstasie with but one directive, “Turn the DMV around before there’s riots in the streets.” Today, the DMV is not only the hottest place to be and be seen, but has also become the state’s top moneymaker. All thanks to a new focus on a single word — hedonism.

As O’Vecstasie explains, “It’s a given that people will spend several hours on any trip into any DMV, so we dedicated ourselves to providing fun things to do while they’re here. We’ve so far expanded every DMV branch in the entire state to include a casino, a bingo parlor, a $1-a-drink bar, a ‘medicinal’ marijuana hookah lounge, a Chippendales lounge, and a strip joint, as well as male and female prostitutes on luxurious Sleep Number beds. All the bells and whistles. Complaints have plummeted.”

“Over the next year we’re looking to add a Glutton’s Pride all-you-can-eat buffet complete with 100-item dessert and ice cream bar, plus a no-holds-barred massage parlor, a 27-hole golf course, a flea market, and a 24-theater cinemaplex,” O’Vecstasie added. “Something enjoyable for everyone. If I haven’t yet mentioned your preferred vice, let me personally know. The new DMV aims to please.”

“Except, of course, for the Motor Vehicles division itself,” O’Vecstasie cautioned. “You’ll still see the same scowling faces there as always. After all, every DMV in America does have that perpetual contract with Satan to fulfill.”

08.30.10