Cute Baby Incapacitates Party Dude

EL NINO, TX - A local young man, Gene Y*, remains institutionalized in the Hombre Happy House following his tragic collapse at a house-warming party just north of town on Saturday afternoon. Found face down in a pile of dirty diapers by fast-arriving emergency responders, Mr. Y was quickly resuscitated, but had obviously suffered severe mental trauma.

The incident began as the 26-year old visited one of his many sets of newlywed friends in their newly purchased home. Witnesses recounted the unfortunate events afterward.

After greeting and mingling with the numerous other age twenty-somethings in attendance, Gene rowdily asked the host, “Yo, man. Where’s the keg?” The quick reply, “Dude. Are you joking? No keg. There’s a baby here,” apparently shook Mr. Y to the core. The angry young man then stomped inside to confront the newborn resident about this serious breach in party etiquette.

At the instant he gazed into those baby blues, Gene Y began to wobble like a punch-drunk fighter about to kiss the canvas. A dazed, far-away look swept over him as he began drooling and making incoherent noises in a pitch so high that all the neighborhood dogs started madly barking and howling. A few moms-to-be standing close by then heard Gene slowly mumble. “Tequila, bad. Body shots, bad. Beer helmet, bad. Gamer mayhem, bad. Girl, good. Marriage, good. Babies, good. Must...grow...up. Aaaaah! Nooooo!”

The young women said Gene’s eyes then rolled up into his head and down he went. As paramedics wheeled him to the waiting ambulance, many heard him repeatedly babbling, “So cute. Goo goo ga ga.”

Afterward, the dads at the now more subdued party admitted to similar episodes in their own lives: See a friend’s new baby. Cocky, inner college slacker suddenly dies. Mature family instincts spring to life—marriage, decent mortgage rates, granite kitchen countertops, life insurance, mini-van, babies. They considered themselves indeed fortunate to have avoided complete incapacitation like in poor Gene Y.

At this time it is unknown how long Gene will require Happy House care. In lieu of cards, the family requests donations of fuzzy bunny dolls and maybe an adorable kitten to help him recover and aid his difficult transition into adulthood.

(*Mr. Y’s family wishes his fragile identity to remain anonymous until the nice men in white let him out of the straight jacket.)

07.13.10