Condom Performance Art Wows Louvre

PARIS – A lively condom-centered performance work recently installed in the Louvre’s modern art wing has discriminating European art lovers positively aglow with excitement. Entitled “Be Fruitful, Male” by American Fallus Biggs of Woody Island, Alaska, the piece is a delightfully amusing, ever-changing display of a multitude of seemingly living, breathing, hyper-excitable condoms.

Artist Biggs explains, “Here I symbolically represent human reproduction from the curious perspective of the male libido. One thousand condoms of every type available – ribbed, porcupine, colored, flavored, glow-in-the-dark – are programmed to spring to life, grow, elongate, stiffen, pulsate, then shrink back down using hidden air valves. Occasionally, one ‘gets lucky,’ inflates to enormous size, then pops off and launches wildly across the room like a flying balloon.”

Museum curator Léchez Machatte adds, “The artist oversimplifies. The elegant, avant-garde buffet of condom types illustrates the enormous diversity of Earth’s male population. As scientific studies have rigorously established, men think about sex quite frequently, seemingly at random, so at any time any number of condoms leap to attention for a brief period. Very amusing. Then, as if a pretty girl were walking by, an entire region jumps up at once, the erect group changing to follow her as she crosses the room. Hilarious. Very aptly displays the superficiality of male attraction. And when the lucky one swells and hurtles skyward, well, the entire room cheers. C’est magnifique.”

Louvre business manager Jaime Largent is ecstatic over the popularity of the Biggs animated artwork. “We haven’t attracted crowds like this since we gave Venus de Milo a Botox treatment and breast augmentation. Everyone loves watching the playful choreography of the anthropomorphic condoms leaping up, shooting off, and falling sadly back down. Any you should see the sales in our gift shop. Ooh-la-la!”

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