Conan Sacker Jeff Sucker Chosen
New Wall Street Regulator

WASHINGTON, DC – While still basking in the glory of masterminding the thrilling Jay Leno to Conan O’Brien back to Jay Leno Tonight Show hosting game of musical chairs, NBC President Jeff Sucker was today named to lead the government’s newly formed U.S. Consumer Financial Protection Agency.

Mr. Sucker’s superb leadership skills are best exemplified by his sacking of Conan O’Brien after just seven months on the Tonight Show job, sending him packing with a mere $45 billion buyout package. That sort of bold decision-making and hard-line financial control made Jeff Sucker President Obama’s ideal choice to forge a regulatory end to the excesses and outrageous behavior of the nation’s biggest banks, mortgage institutions, and stock market players.

The President beamed with pride as he made the announcement from the White House this afternoon. “I am thrilled to introduce Mr. Jeff Sucker as the head of this new agency in our country’s time of critical financial need. Mr. Sucker has long blazed an exemplary trail of vision, leadership, and financial acumen in his Tonight Show and network stewardship. Thanks to his expert guidance, Tonight Show buzz completely dominates the entertainment industry, particularly over the past few weeks. Wow. Jeff has clearly proven his ability to make the tough decisions required for stellar success in the marketplace. Without hesitation I now hand him the baton to similarly whip the financial world into tip top shape and make the Street safe for the little guy,” said the President. Obama then quipped, “I wish I had lots more people like Jeff. With enough Suckers we could rule the world.”

In related news, Conan O’Brien, with his razor-sharp speaking skills and amazing tuft of cowlicked hair, will assume the role of franchise spokesman and advertising supermodel for Revlon hair products. Look for his beautiful, luxurious, and shimmering hair in print and TV ads as soon as next week.

01.21.10

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