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In these difficult economic times, the burning question on everyone’s mind these days is “Why do major league baseball coaches wear team uniforms during the games?”  We particularly wonder that while our retinas are being fried by images of doddering, portly, elderly managers wobbling out to make a pitching change, about to keel over at any moment.

One answer is tradition.  They always have, so they always will.  Baseball is a sport filled with tradition, but that’s doesn't really explain anything.  The second answer harkens back to golden age of baseball, the time of superhuman player-coaches.  Since either role might be required during the game, the player-coach had to be dressed in uniform ready for full participation on the field.  But no professional coaches actually play anymore, and haven’t for decades.  In fact, most coaches barely even move during a game, so that reason doesn’t cut it either.

The following list provides more likely explanations why this archaic practice continues into modern times.

 Fashion.  Vertical pinstripes provide a slimming look.  Since coaches don’t actually run around to burn off the ballpark chili corn-dog-induced excess poundage, they need the optical illusion of thinness the uniform pinstripes provide. Gotta look good on SportsCenter at 11.

Groupies.  Lots of nubile chicks hang around ballparks, hoping to snag a rich athlete husband.  By dressing like a player, coaches may hope to fool a hot babe into thinking that they’re a rich stud as well.  Could work if she doesn’t see too well.

Denial.  By wearing the same uniforms as the current players, the coaches can pretend that they are still macho young men, even though most decidedly are not. Many actually resemble the Michelin Man.  Maybe nobody will notice.

Mental illness.  Uniformed coaches basically are refusing to grow up and live in the real world.  They remain locked in a child’s fantasy world, where they never have to put on a suit and go to work like the rest of us.

Embarrassment.  Baseball is a warm weather sport, often played in the hot sun.  Should coaches be forced to wear a three-piece suit, like corporate America, while at work, they’d sweat like two-bit gangsters getting fingered by the cops, leading to unsightly underarm stains and odors. Uniforms, made from their modern, hi-tech fabrics, wick that moisture away and spare visual embarrassment.

Freedom of movement. A spiffy, tight-fitting business suit would be far too physically confining for the game’s critical moments when wild gesturing, base-throwing, and vehement arguing with the umpires are required.  Soft, stretchable modern uniforms provide coaches with a full range of motion for maximum tirade effect.  After all, the best coaches’ foaming-at-the-mouth, expletive-spewing, arm-waving, dirt-kicking meltdowns get lots of airtime on SportsCenter.

Fabric care.  No coach in his right mind would wear his expensive three-piece suits into a slobber-filled dirt- and grass-staining environment like a baseball field or dugout.  The dry cleaning bills would be enormous.  Coaches don’t make that much money.

Disease prevention.  A baseball field is an OSHA hazardous environment.  With the ever present cesspools of tobacco juice and the constant spitting, the field and dugout provide an ideal medium for growth and spreading of harmful organisms.  Just as a doctor wears scrubs into the blood and body-fluid spattered emergency room, then leaves them in the biohazard bin for incineration or autoclaving, so do baseball coaches wear their work-only uniforms for immediate decontamination after the game.  The health of the American public is at stake.

While the preceding list provides logical explanations, the true reason that major league baseball coaches still wear team uniforms is extremely mundane—the MLB rulebook.  Buried somewhere in the fine print is the requirement that all coaches on the field of play during a game must be in uniform.  So that’s officially why MLB fans are subjected to viewing a living Weightwatchers' before photo of a Don Zimmer or Charlie Manuel lumbering to the mound in their sleek, form-fitting uniforms.  It's entertainment, pure and simple.

05.15.09

(This article originally appeared on AssociatedContent.com)