China’s Big Male Excess a Throbbing, Explosive Problem

NOK UNTT, China - Recent population statistics have scared the pee-pee out of Chinese government officials. The very fabric of Chinese society faces potential disaster because the male to female birthrate imbalance over the past 20 years has exploded into a current shortage of 32 million women. As that staggering penis-possessing preponderance reaches reproductive age with no possibility of finding marriageable spouses, the resulting rampant unsatisfied horniness could lead these Chinese men into utter mayhem.

Indeed, keeping those 32 million hopelessly single men from going berserk and destroying the country from within is the Chinese government’s most urgent ongoing problem. As a result, several proposals, all quite controversial and previously considered unthinkable, now seem nearly certain to gain legal sanction in order to ward off such penis-led madness.

According to the Chinese Copulation Control Council, male same-sex marriages could not only become nationally legalized, but would further receive full government blessing and even encouragement. Expect a multitude of China’s powerful and famous icons to lead the way and prance proudly out of the closet in their puffiest pink finery. Look for an explosion of wholesome gay pornography, popular TV shows and movies exhibiting loving gay families, gay sports leagues, even gay dolls and cartoons all providing positive role models.

Otherwise, to keep the powerful sexual urges of the remaining excess millions of straight single males appeased, the Chinese government’s Peace Corps propounds making prostitution completely legal, as well as sponsoring full-blown state-run red-light districts and brothels. Countering critics’ valid concerns over potentially rampant sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), condom use would be mandated. The condoms would be provided at no cost, and after use, would be incinerated to send electricity happily surging back to the national grid.

Furthermore, being fully cognizant that male libidos require regular releases for maintenance of civil behavior, the Communist party plans to implement free sex-rationing coupons to all single males over age 18, sufficient for twice per week therapeutic encounters. Critics, however, claim that a much higher frequency would be necessary to prevent surly riots.

To encourage willing female participants, an official nationwide re-education program would seek to eliminate all negative stigmas associated with prostitution, to be replaced by images of happy, healthy, honorable hookers who are not only well-paid, but even held in highest regard for their unselfish service to the country and maintenance of the peace. Even the word ‘prostitution’ itself would be erased from the Chinese language, replaced by the more positive term ‘joy nursing.’

For those Chinese men who stubbornly desire to pursue the traditional marriage route despite the abysmal odds of finding a potential wife, Party Procreation officials have developed an attractive plan here as well. Darwinian principles would be applied to ensure that only the strongest male gene-pool is selected, and only in the limited numbers needed to match the available females.

Each man in this category, on his 22nd birthday, would be randomly paired in a no-holds-barred, unarmed fight until only one man remains erect. The fortunate bout victor would then enter China’s national online dating service to help identify a lucky lady, while the loser would be exiled to the frontier to extend the reach of the Great Wall brick by lonely brick. With stakes this high, such battles would certainly provide must-see reality TV.

Leaders around the world are thrilled at the Chinese authorities’ proactive steps to stave off this potentially epic conflict. Concerned governments across the planet are pleading for rapid and full passage of all the above proposals. Everyone realizes that, if left uncontrolled, 32 million insanely horny single Chinese men running amok could unleash global Armageddon.

11.13.09