Chihuahuas Rampage Across North America

DEVIL’S OFFSPRING, Nev. – Taco Bell spokes-critter. Men in Black alien with an attitude. With just a few mainstream pop culture appearances a decade ago the tiny, precious, cute-as-can-be Chihuahua dogs with their sexy Hispanic accents became must-have pets across North America. The honeymoon quickly ended, however, once these pets arrived at their new homes and displayed their true, despicable natures.

Far from the hip, lovable creatures depicted in the media, Chihuahuas proved to be vicious, ill-tempered, outrageously high-maintenance pets. Veterinarians attribute their horribly bad dispositions to millenniums worth of a size-inferiority complex, leading these miniature canines to attack and snap at anybody or anything on any occasion. “I said filet mignon, MEDIUM RARE, you eediot,” these dogs barked.

After a few weeks under constant verbal and physical abuse, new owners soon gave up and tried to return the dogs to the pound. Only the pound wouldn’t take them, since they were already swamped with everyone else’s evil Chihuahuas. The beleaguered, shell-shocked owners then typically drove far from home and kicked the pint-sized diva monsters out on the side of the road.

Despite their bad attitudes, these minuscule canines proved to be tough and smart on their own in the wild. They quickly formed packs and soon terrorized the countryside. No animal outdoors was safe from these vicious, voracious eaters. Entire herds of cows were reduced to piles of bones and hooves within minutes of a Chihuahua pack attack. Even horses at full gallop became easy targets, as the cunning Chihuahuas mastered tree-climbing, then leapt out to chomp right into the horses’ jugular veins. With such regular good eating, the wee dogs grew and reproduced with reckless abandon.

For a few years feral Chihuahuas were content to ambush livestock around the continent. Eventually, however, as their prey diminished, these ravenous dogs were forced to look elsewhere for food. Soon, only one species remained in sufficient numbers to sustain them – humans. Still nursing a massive grudge from the humans’ failed domestication effort, the wild Chihuahuas then began to attack people with a vengeance.

Like all meat-eaters, the Chihuahuas initially went after the easy pickings, the weak, the frail, the stupid. Little old ladies, out for an innocent walk in the park, were swarmed by horrible hordes of the pygmy Satan-dogs, leaving nothing behind but canes and dentures. Baby carriages were upended and emptied as distracted mothers read the morning papers. Loving couples walking hand-in-hand, gazing at each other all googly-eyed, were pounced upon and dragged away by these heinous beasts. Soon, no one was safe.

Due to the dogs’ tiny size and expert stealth techniques, authorities were slow even to identify feral Chihuahuas as the culprits. Stopping them from further attacks on humans, however, has proven a formidable challenge. Innocent North Americans continue to fall by the hundreds every day. Oh, the horror.

Only recently have humans begun to fight back. Dog whisperers and doggie psychiatrists pried into the dogs’ heads to determine what makes these killer Chihuahuas tick. Once they emerged, visibly shaken, from that dark and loathsome place, the animal shrinks and government officials finally developed a plan. “Although them wild Chihuahuas got humongous appetites and are ruthless murderers, they like sex even better. We’ll get them little bastards with a spread wide booty call,” said Officer Noak Loo.

Authorities expect to lure male Chihuahua horndogs into open fields using artificial pheromones of females in heat, three-page foldout photos of beckoning senorita Chihuahuas in compromising positions, and recordings of sexy bitches cooing, “Hola amigo. You hombre enough for this?” No hot-blooded male Chihuahuas, with their twisted, depraved little minds, will be able to resist such lusty temptations.

The arriving Romeos will immediately be immobilized with sedation darts, then neutered en masse. The U.S. Department of Defense, having learned of the feral Chihuahuas’ lethality and impending availability, plans to apply them as the ultimate low cost stealth weapon against America’s enemies. After briefing, they’ll be flown to the Pakistan/Afghanistan lawless mountainous border and released. With their keen sense of smell and near-invisible size these ravenous, insanely angry dog warriors will soon scour every enemy cave and hiding place, then unleash an unimaginably horrific feeding frenzy upon Taliban, Al-Qaida, and Osama bin Laden flesh. Talk about terror.

Pet? No. Ruthless killer? Si, señor. Surely hell hath no fury like the cute little Chihuahua.

02.02.10