Secret S&P 500 CEO Training Manual For Dummies Found

SOUTH OF THE BORDER, SC – A custodian cleaning the Mens restroom at Pedro’s Famous Fatty Fried Food and Please Touch Military Explosives Museum at 4:00 a.m. today found a copy of the S&P 500 CEO Training Manual for Dummies which was left behind. Discovered on the floor of the far end stall, the large print, spiral-bound picture book was hidden beneath a pile of sticky paged porno magazines, crushed beer cans, and cigar butts. Although clearly labeled Double Top Secret, finder Chief Custodian Rich King, being no dummy himself, opened the manual and scanned the lessons inside.

The contents of this up-and-coming CEO bible, which Mr. King shared with reporters, included such chapters as:

• Living With No Soul - Guaranteed Success After the Blood Pact With Satan
• Federal Bailouts - John and Jane Doe Owe You Plenty
• Firing Employees - Six Easy Steps to Painless Terminations
• Footwear for Executives - Oversized Shoes Keep Subordinates Underfoot and Under Control
• Mistress Maintenance - Care and Feeding of Girlfriends in Several Cities Without Getting Caught
• Tax Evasion - Honesty is For Losers
• Golden Parachutes - Why $10 Million Isn’t Enough
• Cuban Cigars - Those Commies are Good for One Thing
• Fine Wine - It’s What’s For Breakfast.

Said Mr. King after his discovery, Don’t know why it’s double-top-secret. I pretty much suspected all this stuff about those cats already. With the blessing of local authorities, King then delivered the volume to its deserving place in the vermin-infested, roach-motel restaurant dumpster for safekeeping, should its rightful owner return.

06.02.09

(An earlier version of this article appeared on GlossyNews.com)

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