Collateralized Debt Obligation and Sub-Prime Inventors
Enshrined Into Hall of Fame

NEW YORK, NY - Not often in the history of mankind have the actions of so few people so profoundly altered the lives of the entire civilized world.  For their earth-shattering influence on the lives of billions of people over the past decade, the inventors of the financial instruments the Collateralized Debt Obligation (CDO) and the Sub-Prime Mortgage Loan (SPL) will on Monday be enshrined in a new site of the Inventors Hall of Fame (IHF).

At the times of their inventions, the attention-shy geniuses behind these revolutionary ideas were so humble that they didn’t even bother to file patent applications.  Neither have these brilliant individuals sought fame nor recognition despite the global financial landscape-altering effects they breathed into life.  As the SPL and CDO financial juggernauts grew in fame and influence, so have their inventors shirked the limelight.  In fact, the CIA, FBI, and Interpol are still trying to locate these financial wizards so they can appear at the induction ceremonies and receive their just rewards.

While the authorities continue their search, the Inventors Hall of Fame is working furiously to complete the monument to be dedicated to these CDO/SPL mavens.  Because of the enormous public outpouring these inventions warrant, a new site completely separate from that of all of mankind’s other biggest inventors has been developed.

Aptly located in Manhattan’s Wall Street district, this new IHF site encompasses an entire city block.  The smoking, devastated ruins of the recently deceased financial dinosaur companies previously standing on the site were quickly cleared away as the earthmoving equipment began construction last fall.  Curiously, the designers of the CDO/SPL museum have chosen an entirely outdoor exhibit.  “The enormity of the viewing public’s feelings which will be unleashed, as well as the profound sensory experience, could simply not be confined within the walls of a building,” chief designer Reeley Beeg Arteest said.

Arteest then went on to describe the details of the exhibit.  “While we recognize the highly symbolic nature of the design, we hope the public will appreciate the esoteric points and reach a deep, gut-level understanding.”  The nearly finished monument consists of a wide sidewalk around the periphery of the block, slanted toward the center to enable clean sight-lines inward for the many thousands of expected viewers.  Inside the sidewalk is a deep pool stretching all the way across the lot.  In the center of the pool is a giant fulcrum with two arms resembling a kid’s playground see-saw.  At one arm’s end will be a group statue of these brilliant inventors, a plaque inscribed with their names, and immediately behind them in large letters the abbreviations of their life-changing inventions, CDO and SPL.  At the end of the other arm will be a huge dollar sign statue representing the wealth of this great nation.

At the dedication the see-saw will be set into perpetual motion.  As one arm goes up, the other goes down, and vice versa, one complete cycle every 10 minutes.  The pool will be filled with a special concoction supplied by Manhattan’s very own citizens, completely free of charge, and ever changing.  The level will be maintained just below the top of the fulcrum, such that one arm dips completely below the surface at a time.  Contractors expect to finish up the plumbing details just before the deadline.

Positively giddy with excitement, Arteest went on to describe Monday’s induction ceremony.  “After a couple of speeches by Wall Street’s most esteemed leaders, the statues will be illuminated, the see-saw started, and Vinnie, here, of the Sewage Authority, will do the honors and open the valves to fill the pool.  I predict a near riot.”

05.15.09

(This article originally appeared on AssociatedContent.com)

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