"Bucks for Babies" Stimulus Program Born

STORK’S NEST, MS – “What this country needs,” U.S. Economic Spin Doctor Calvin Q. Laitter said at a conference today, “is a new baby boom. So be a patriot, and let’s get busy out there.” Since the last baby boom ended in 1964, economic measures show that America’s wealth and prosperity have swirled steadily down, down, down into the crapper. It’s a simple number’s game, ECON 101.

Wall Street, business, and overall economic success require steady growth to ensure sustained and rising profits. Where does growth come from? Penile implants? Nope. Super-HGH-multisteroid-kilovitamin pills? Uh-uh. From more people buying U.S. goods and services, duh. The end of the baby boom meant fewer and fewer babies born each year, thus fewer screaming, whining mouths to feed, fewer designer clothes to buy, and fewer McMansion houses needed to live in. With this lowering of demand came lower profits, reduced incomes, job losses, and finally the 2008-2009 Mother-of-All-Recessions.

The only way out of the current economic doo-doo swamp, government number-crunchers stipulate, is to reverse America’s decreasing birthrate. Plain and simple, the U.S. needs more babies. Lots more babies. And we need them soon. So Uncle Sam wants you to buy some K-Y Jelly, rent a porn flick, and screw, screw, screw to save America.

Recognizing this economic necessity, the federal government is kicking off a "Bucks for Babies" program as part of President Obama’s trillion dollar national stimulus package. The requirement of "Bucks for Babies" is quite simple. Have a baby nine months or more from today’s kickoff date, get a check for $20,000 when Mom leaves the hospital with the little bundle of joy. With that level of incentive, government bean-counters predict a huge boost in U.S. births, demand growth, and ultimately, national economic prosperity.

Do your part. F%ck for the future of America.

07.30.09

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