Aging Boomers Fuel Dying Growth Industry

GONNACRO, AK - American investors are positively giddy and have dollar signs dancing in their greedy heads as the nation’s huge numbers of baby boomers now approach old age. Ever on the lookout for the next hot growth industry with big dollar-making potential, stock and mutual fund gurus at a conference here are salivating at the “can’t miss” prospects of businesses for the dead.

The numbers are as solid as a granite tomb. Americans will be dropping headfirst into their Corn Flakes in ever increasing, record numbers over the next couple of decades, simply because of when they were born. Death industry growth is as certain as, well, death and taxes.

The U.S. baby boom began in 1945, just after the end of World War II, when all those GIs, pilots, and sailors returned home hornier than mountain goats. As any third grader will tell you, babies born then will reach age 65 in 2010. That’s about the age where old farts begin keeling over like a one-legged drunk on a raft in a hurricane. These aging boomer statistics guarantee that morticians will soon be busier than a $5 whore at a political convention.

Casket makers, embalmers, hearse drivers, funeral homes, stone masons, grave diggers, florists, and even make-up artists all stand to make a killing over the next 20 years. So the Wall Street mavens say to put your investment dollars into any of these industries right now, while their stocks are still economic meltdown cheap. Then sit back and enjoy the ka-ching, ka-ching, as your death stock prices soar to the heavens, thanks to boomer Americans kicking the bucket by the glorious millions.

08.20.09

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