Bin Laden Caught, Terrorized by Alumni Association

SHI THOLE, Afghanistan - What the FBI, CIA, NATO, Interpol, and Pentagon couldn’t do, his own University Alumni Association could. And did. Find Osama bin Laden. And when they did, they hit him. Hit him hard. So hard, in fact, that he coughed up $400 million. A heartfelt donation, clearly. Satisfied, the Alums then let him go.

As anyone who ever graduated from a college or university can attest, school Alumni Associations leave no legal record unsearched, no blood-relative undisturbed, and no B.O. trail unsniffed in tracking down a potential school donor. With their mysterious tentacles probing into every dive bar, outhouse, and Internet porn site you ever visited, eventually they find you. And then they unleash that relentless barrage of phone calls, emails, and letters harassing mercilessly for cash donations. Even Osama bin Laden, the most wanted man on Earth, was no match.

Though bin Laden had slithered unfound from cave to tunnel to camel-dung hut in the most remote armpits of Pakistan and Afghanistan for some twenty years, last week the King Abdulaziz University Alumni Association for the Unmartyred finally got its man. And while the school, which bin Laden attended in the late 1970s, refused to divulge its tracking and contact methods, on Monday it did announce the successful bin Laden interception and shake-down, sorry, long-lost greeting. Upon confrontation, some say, the Al-Qaida top warlord was so stunned, threatened, and terrorized by the Alumni spies that he immediately offered a large monetary sum to be peacefully left alone.

However, donations being their lifeblood as they are, the Alums played serious hardball, clearly unimpressed with Mr. Root-of-All-Evil’s history of mayhem and destruction. Not until Osama upped his offer to an eye-popping $400 million did the University minions agree to cease their tracking and harassment. And even then, they kept him in their crosshairs until his check cleared at the bank.

Following that Alumni group’s announcement of Osama bin Laden’s “kind, generous, and totally unexpected endowment to the future of his beloved country,” U.S. intelligence agency personnel immediately approached American Alumni Associations hoping to learn from their obviously superior shared tracking abilities. Apparently bound by some cultish blood-pact, however, not a single school group divulged the slightest scrap of useful information.

The Feds then scurried to tap phones, plant bugs, install high powered hidden cameras, and aim satellites at Alumni headquarters of schools large and small all across the nation. The American superspies were so totally humiliated at not having first located Osama bin Laden themselves that, by golly, now they’re doing their dadgum bestest to decipher the secrets of the elite manhunting organization who did. Perhaps a new breed of stealth government agent will soon emerge, the ruthless, fearless, take-no-prisoners federal donation solicitor.

05.12.10

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