Banking, Wall Street Reform Bill Passes,
Allows Armed Customers

WASHINGTON, DC – Chalk one up for the NRA, the little guy, and his little friend. One full year after the horrendous U.S. financial system meltdown, Congress, market regulatory agencies, and lobbyists finally succeeded in hammering out what’s certain to become a game-changing monetary system reform bill. Proponents vow that this new legislation will bring an instant and utterly complete end to such shenanigans as those perpetrated by Wall Street and big banking which led to last fall’s catastrophe. The bill, elegant in its simplicity, consists of only one sentence, a record for U.S. government:

Customers and clients of all United States financial and investment enterprises are hereby permitted to possess openly displayed, loaded personal firearms during the normal course of doing business at these institutions.

The bill’s crafters predict that, by allowing John and Jane Q. Public to pack heat while sitting across the table from the Bernie Madoffs of this world, the likelihood of future unsavory or shady financial transactions will plummet. With the little guys of this country sporting holstered firearms while discussing loans or investments, financial representatives will, going forward, feel an enormously powerful incentive to conduct all affairs on the up and up and with the customer’s best interests in mind. Wild monetary risk taking and the inevitable accompanying market crashes, as well as outright financial fraud, are destined to quickly become a dark relic of the past.

Next up on Capitol Hill: firearms and health insurance debate.

09.30.09

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