Beasties Appear Under Mid-Atlantic Ice Cap Melt

WILMINGTON, Del.—Since the dawn of the Industrial Age, the Earth’s polar ice caps have undergone a vigorous weight loss regime that some might call anorexic. Numerous decades of heavy chain-smoking and rampant hyperactivity have led the planet to heat up at an ever-increasing rate, thereby wreaking havoc on the ice caps’ formerly substantial loins and egos. Incredibly, during this past record-breaking winter the Great Northern Ice Cap has retreated all the way from central Georgia, in the southern United States, to its current position across the Mid-Atlantic states, a distance of some 200 miles in just three months. Such an alarming predicament has Al Gore and the global warming Chicken Littles grimly, but smugly, smiling as their dire predictions come true.

Interestingly, as the snow melts and the U.S. cap’s boundary retreats steadily northward, a number of long-buried curiosities are now becoming visible. After perhaps centuries shrouded in a frozen white tomb, the carcasses of many unknown beasties have recently begun to appear just below the melting snow’s surface.

One such creature, shown above, was found on February 16, 2010 in northern Delaware by Blue Ball University worm chaser scientists. Its features, barely exposed thus far, establish that this ancient specimen possessed an impressively bright red, baby’s butt-smooth, and rock-hard skin. These researchers predict that within two weeks, if melting continues at its recent rate, the prehistoric beast should be largely visible and finally available for a detailed and juicy anal-probe study.

A considerable number of possibly related creatures, many similarly possessing fantastically bold colors not often found in nature, have begun to appear along the retreating ice cap’s border in the states of West Virginia, Virginia, and Maryland as well. These findings are certain to lead to thrilling advances in our understanding of pre-historic critterology.

Although many people around the world look upon global warming with dread, the ancient beastologists, at least, are thrilled at the bounty of amazing new subjects the advancing snow melt is presenting. These scientists face a desperately short time window to complete their studies, however, as the rapidly rising sea level will soon reach these locations and the curious, magnificent beasts will become entombed once more, this time in a watery grave.

03.04.10

Humor Volcano's store commemorates a tragic day in fake news history.

Coffee bean supertanker sinks. Oh the horror! Mugs & steins
	Front	Back