Eternal Hellfire and Damnation for Baptist Teen

TRINITY CROSS – Local resident and Eagle Scout Rod Horne, age 17, was found by police late last night standing atop the railing on a secluded I-85 overpass, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. Officer Jesús Krist, who first spotted Horne, later described the young man as having a terrified, thoroughly crushed demeanor, “’Bout like a Duke football season-ticket holder.” Fortunately, Krist and his partner managed to talk Horne down to safety by offering him a can of Cheerwine soda and a chocolate moon pie. Once they got Horne calmed down and seated in their squad car, they gingerly questioned what had so troubled him.

Horne described how earlier that evening he had attended the weekly teen boys’ Youth Fellowship at the Great God Almighty Southern Baptist Church, where he was a regular member. There Noah Sayne, the church’s Youth Minister, had said that since the boys were reaching the stage where they were becoming interested in girls, it was time to discuss the Baptist Church’s view of attraction, sexuality, and sin. That view, it turned out, was big time Old Testament—full of fire and brimstone.

The gist of Sayne’s discussion came down to one statement. “If y'all so much as look at a member of the opposite sex with lust in y'alls hearts before y'all get married, then y'all have, in the eyes of Our Lord God, the Almighty Savior, committed adultery, and y'all will burn in hell forever and ever. Amen.”

Horne then told the policemen how, some three years earlier, he first noticed that his female classmates had begun to develop curves. Attractive curves. Curves that made him smile and feel all warm and tingly inside. Horne then broke down again and buried his head in shame. “I’m gonna burn in hell, y'all! I’m guilty. I lusted after girls. Just today in math I couldn’t stop starin’ at Purdy Stitt’s chest. I dreamed about touchin’ and rubbin’ and kissin’ her. I’m doomed, y'all!”

The two officers listened in horror to the young man’s confession. They were shocked that the Youth Minister’s fiery comments had made such a profound impression. The officers, both Deacons in another Southern Baptist church, then smiled at Horne, winked at each other, put their hands on his shoulders, and calmly walked with him back toward his car on the I-85 overpass. “It’s OK son. We’re here to take care of you.”

Once at the bridge top the officers suddenly tossed Horne over the side right into the path of an oncoming semi-truck. Splat. “Sumbitch! What a pre-vert,” Krist said. “Damn right he’s gonna burn in hell! Shame he broke away and jumped like that.”

02.25.10

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