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The holidays have arrived once again.

And with the festive lights, ribbons, and pine fronds come too the onslaught of sales for gift shopping. Fear and anxiety are perfectly normal responses to the massive question implicitly screamed from every TV commercial, “What on earth do I get everyone?”

Worry not, dahlins. Before you fall victim to an epileptic seizure from the stress and flashing red, green, and blue sparkles, yours truly is here to help.

Obviously there is no one size fits all solution to your gifting needs. Resist the urge to buy 80 nondescript gift cards and distribute them at random. Start by making a simple list of those for whom you really want—or need as the case of infuriating family drama may be—to buy. Family and close friends are the way to go, depending on your finances and inclination. Spare yourself the hassle of figuring out which cashmere scarf would best suit the third grade soccer coach you haven’t seen in eighteen years. Not everyone can be Santa, people.

Move on to the specific person.

Couples can be treated as units of one for present purposes, especially if you know they are in dire need of something, like a replacement for that throw rug that caught fire during Thanksgiving. What does the person like? Is there anything they’ve been blatantly dropping hints about for months? If the answer is yes and not astronomically expensive, problem solved. Ditto goes for direct responses to, “What do you want?” that don’t involve ridiculous answers or stupid evasions like, “World peace.” Even Mrs. Klaus would roll her eyes at that reply.

In most instances you won’t have an easy solution like that, so now you must actually think even though it’s annoying.

Again concentrate on what the individual likes, be it music, board games, anachronistic quasi-historical romance books, type of clothes, whatever. Once you’ve centered in on a genre, exploit it. Don’t be afraid to bring in inside jokes. For the hipster, grab that goofy-looking fuzzy hat with attached bear ears and pocketed scarf. Intellectuals respond well to the latest scholarly books in their field or subscriptions to magazines like The Economist.

Kids are easy-peasy.

Their parents tend to tell you what the rugrats enjoy these days—dinosaurs and fairy wings—making the selection process simpler. The squirts always need shoes, clothes, pajamas, and coats in bigger sizes because they grow like weeds. You’ll be giving something they actually use and doing your parent buddies a favor. Similarly, the kiddies always want more toys, preferably something noisy and colorful. (However if you want to be asked back again to your friends’ house, you should probably lay off the kind that blares like a fog horn.) In other words, it’s hard to go wrong buying presents for kids.

Finally, if you’re the DIY type or are just too over-extended to get something special for everyone on your list, give food.

Food is yummy. People like yummy things. And given our national acceptance of caffeine addiction, giving coffee, tea, or hot chocolate is easy and appropriate for almost everyone. For other edibles, you can either buy a nice little gift set of sweets or make delectable something yourself & distribute it. The former food gift sets tend to come pre-wrapped in an elegant basket, so you even save time on gift wrapping. Homemade goodies only need a little trussing up with ribbon and a glitter pen & you’re good to go. Now is the time to bust out that killer family bacon fudge recipe.

I hope this has provided you minions with some guidance as you enter the fray of the mall in December or sagely sit at home knocking out your shopping online. Gifts don’t need to be grand or plentiful; all you need is a little thought and enough preparation not to give the present in its store shopping bag. The look on the recipient’s face will make the search worth it.

Good luck, may your sale prices be low, and happy holidays.

12.17.11

tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, Christmas gifts, holidays, shopping, giving, gifting, present