Americans Distrust Mainstream News Journalism,
Prefer Fake News

NEW DORK – Americans are increasingly turning from their blood-spattered, blow-your-brains-out depressing daily newspapers and 6 o’clock TV to non-traditional sources for their news updates. Indeed, studies show that billions of U.S. residents are willingly jumping into the questionable journalistic cesspool of what might more accurately be termed ‘anti-news’ sources. Examples include the wickedly satiric, screamingly funny fake news reporting outlets such as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on television, and The Onion and rising newcomer Humor Volcano on the Internet.

Such a shift is substantiated in just released survey results by The Pew Research Center for the People & the Press. Their poll showed that 63% of Americans believe that mainstream news reports are not accurate, and 74% believe them to be biased. Those figures are simply not acceptable.

The anti-news media, by contrast, proudly delivers stories which are 100% inaccurate and 100% highly biased. Obviously, Americans just don’t like gray areas, hence the switch to providers they can trust.

By not getting bogged down in ugly, uncompromising facts, what the fake news industry sacrifices in accuracy, it gains in the ability to deliver exactly what curious Americans really want in their news reports, namely entertainment. By twisting actual events and comments out of context, exaggerating, embellishing, and even blatantly making stuff up, satiric news sources deliver information in such an engrossing and enjoyable manner that they have become America’s preferred news destinations. Their enormously intelligent anti-news audience easily reads between the lines of the ironic, sarcastic, outrageous stories as reported, figures out the true events behind them, and understands them in a fully enlightened fashion. And that’s way more fun than with the mainstream news.

A Humor Volcano non-scientific poll conducted just yesterday outside their dumpster office showed that 100% of respondents would rather get their news from HumorVolcano.com than have sex (except for having sex with a Humor Volcanologist, of course). The data further established that Humor Volcano is the most popular fake news and satire source produced within sniffing distance of the Cherry Island landfill.

To help meet America’s voracious appetite for fake news and further enhance its own anti-news growth across America, Humor Volcano reporters have been gobbling down those purple little prose pills by the handful. As a result, its staff pokes and prods untold nooks and crannies without rest in its quest for misinformation, then stays up, all night if needed, entering and massaging the captured bits and bytes before wide dissemination.

Humor Volcano and the entire anti-news industry look forward to continue providing their expanding audience of discriminating Americans with dump-trucks full of the outrageously entertaining, memorable news that they demand. Hopefully resulting in the frequent, violent, uncontrollable expulsion of a tasty beverage through each audience member’s nose.

09.15.09

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