Al-Qaida Goes All Darth Vader, Targets U.S. Mainland

BAIKONUR, Russia – Give the Yankee-hating Middle Eastern terrorists credit for thinking big. Should it prove successful, Al-Qaida’s biggest, baddest, most deliciously evil plot ever devised would wipe the entire United States mainland completely off the map on June 13, 2013. That’s when the enormous asteroid Apophis (Greek for Big-Ass Space Rock), under Al-Qaida’s planned sinister control, would hurtle into the Great Plains to trigger a really, really bad day for their American enemies. Complete vaporization bad. Darth Vader bad. Fortunately, this futuristic plot of hatred most pure was foiled before it ever got off the ground.

Russian space scientists inadvertently provided the genesis of this ultimate Al-Qaida “Death to America” plot when, in December 2009, they reported a planned mission to send a rocket to push the huge incoming asteroid away from its possible Earth-interception orbit. Al-Qaida’s leaders, Auric Goldfinger-, Dr. Evil-, and Darth Vader-loving sci-fi über-geeks all, immediately hatched a perfectly scientifically feasible, dastardly plan. Bwa-ha-ha-ha.

By hijacking the asteroid-diverting spaceship and reprogramming its impact speed and trajectory, the asteroid would instead be nudged into the perfect path, deliberately aimed to strike the United States dead-center. Double bwa-ha-ha-ha. The 500-mile diameter Apophis then striking Manhattan, Kansas at cosmic speed would, Praise Allah, wipe out each and every despicable infidel infesting North America. A cosmic can of Raid, with Al-Qaida pushing the button. Bwa-ha-ha-ha indeed.

Fortunately for all Earthlings, this epitome-of-all-evil plot was readily intercepted by anti-terrorism authorities. Yemeni rock farmer Hussein “Jack” Salami, age 23, recently applied to work at the Soviet Space Agency unit responsible for the Apophis intercept mission. On his SSA job candidate questionnaire, Salami had listed under relevant experience, “Dung Galaxy Admiral, Level 14 – Atari Asteroids arcade.” Red flag No. 1. Under skills & education, he listed, “Bomb Making – Martyrs School for Boys, Tora Bora, Afghanistan.” Red flag No. 2. At least he was honest. The Russians gleefully accepted Salami’s application and gave him an exceptionally warm greeting when he reported to the Baikonur Cosmodrome for his first day of work this past Monday. His welcoming committee of international intelligence officials made sure that he quickly saw stars, and more. Hi Jack, indeed.

Upon closer inspection, the Al-Qaida leaders, their mastery of multiple-moving-body Newtonian physics being slightly lacking, had made one small but rather important error. These mighty Islamic warriors failed to realize that, while said asteroid impact would indeed obliterate the U.S., it would also possess enough force to destroy the entire planet. Picture, if you will, a flying bullet hitting a light bulb to get an accurate picture. Next, imagine Osama bin Laden’s glee as the impact clock counts down to zero, then, two seconds later, his “Oopsy,” as a gigantic fireball screams toward him, wherever he may be. Oopsy, indeed.

Al-Qaida thereby failed to place their Apophis rocket hijacker inside the Agency, and the Earth was saved from a horrific fate of utter annihilation. The take-home lesson from this entire terrorism episode is, however, crystal clear – always, always double-check your math. Indeed.

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