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WASHINGTON, DC — Global warming has wise U.S. military generals drooling onto their chest candy, itchy trigger fingers hovering over the big red button. They claim to have a piss-easy solution. Bombs. Really fucking big ones.

Every third-grader knows the global warming facts. Burn fossil fuels. Emit greenhouse gases. Atmosphere overheats. Glaciers melt. Sea level rises. Cities, nations drown. Widespread panic. Fight for survival. Global Armageddon. The End.

“But not if we drop enough fucking bombs,” Pentagon geniuses said at a press conference yesterday. “Every-fucking-body knows what caused the old Ice Ages. Huge fucking catastrophes that threw shitloads of dust into the motherfucking atmosphere. Massive exploding volcanoes. Big-ass meteorite strikes. That sort of bullshit. Well, Sherlocks, we’re fucking dust-making experts,” Air Force General Buster Mayhemm remarked with a big shit-eating grin.

The Pentagon spokesman then bragged of the golden multi-tasking opportunity at hand. “How best to create global motherfucking amounts of dust to cool things off? From fucking sand. Where’s a lot of sand? The fucking desert. Name a country with a big desert. Afghanistan ring a fucking bell? And where’s America currently fighting a motherfucking war? Afghanistan. Hmmm.”

“Boom. Boom. Boom. Big fucking kaboom. Both problems solved,” Mayhemm went on. “We can get this sumbitch global cooling thing down to a fucking science and wipe out the motherfucking baddies at the same time.”

“Global temperature up one degree this month? Drop a huge motherfucking nuke on those camel-humpers. Temp up two degrees? Drop two. We’ll just drop however many big-ass bombs in the Al-fucking-Qaida desert we need to dial in whatever fucking temperature you want,” General Mayhemm concluded.

“Hell, it ain’t no motherfucking rocket science.”

08.26.10