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Nudist Beach Town Upends Public Nudity OK

NADS COVE, Northern Territory, Australia — Sex sells. This simple maxim, a basic rule of advertising and business success, apparently holds true everywhere on earth except the tiny beach town of Nads Cove, Australia. Not that they didn’t try.

But first, a little background. Nads Cove had been slowly dying for years. Despite the town’s idyllic beaches and year-round beautiful weather, it was too remote. Ungodly miles and hours from anywhere remote. As a result, tourists were always hard to attract, and locals moved away as soon as they graduated high school. That left only a population of 3000 determined beach lovers, all at least 45 years old. Like we said, a dying community.

Desperate to drum up new business, last year the town’s geezer civic leaders joined heads to develop a sure-fire new tourist attraction. Of course! Duh. Nads Cove would entice hordes of horny visitors and their even more alluring cash by flaunting a ‘Sex Sells’ mantra. The town would allow, in fact encourage, public nudity anywhere and everywhere. Hubba, hubba.

New laws were written, new ordinances passed, and six months ago Nads Cove invited the world to come visit, leaving their clothes and worries behind. “G’day mate. Look how glad we are to see you!”

Nudist Beach Town continues...

09.08.10

Mideast Peace Pursuit Ends
With Stunning Double Homicide

CAMP DAVID, Maryland — The world numbly mourns today after Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas both incredibly fell victims of double homicide late last night at the remorseless, appallingly jubilant hands of U.S. President Barack Obama.

Ironically in America for a week of Mideast peace talks brokered by Obama himself, last night’s friendly three-participant round-table exchange of words nevertheless ended shockingly on Obama’s ruthless act.

The evening had begun quietly enough, with President Obama inviting the two Middle Eastern adversaries to Rambo Cabin for Cuban cigars, Kentucky Gentleman bourbon, and a board game after a yummy Mickey D drive-thru dinner.

Unfortunately as the evening, whiskey shots, and game turns progressed, the atmosphere slowly but steadily deteriorated into highly contentious exchanges among the proud, intellectual men.

Peace Pursuit Double Homicide continues...

09.03.10

Department of Motor Vehicles Soars
From Hellhole to Hedonist Mecca

SYNN CITY — From the most loathed destinations in the state to the most loved in only 12 months. An absolute miracle. Credit new Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) Director Joy O’Vecstasie’s idealistic vision and deep understanding of human psychology for transforming the state’s DMV sites into the new #1 playgrounds for adults.

Think back. For decades, any trip to the DMV was like getting a root canal. Several hours of pain and suffering with no hope of escape. Chronically understaffed, surly employees, interminable lines — a day in hell. No more! Say amen!

Just one year ago, our esteemed Governor hired Ms. O’Vecstasie with but one directive, “Turn the DMV around before there’s riots in the streets.” Today, the DMV is not only the hottest place to be and be seen, but has also become the state’s top moneymaker. All thanks to a new focus on a single word — hedonism.

Hellhole to Hedonist Mecca continues...

08.30.10

Humor Volcano here welcomes the first installment of a new monthly column written by The Dame C, Gems of Wisdom (& Stuff)!

Gems of Wisdom (& Stuff)

By

The Dame C

August 2010

Tips to Dating an Italian Jersey Boy
An Outsider’s Guide

Thanks to the recent popularity of the show The Jersey Shore, even though, as any true Jersey resident will tell you, those over-tanned rave monkeys come from New York, it is coming in vogue to associate romantically with Jersey Boys. To the uninitiated, embarking on a relationship with a Jersey Boy can be a complex and confusing experience. Fear not pasta fans, what follows is a handy guide to help you navigate the complex social mores and all-important eating customs of the Italian-American Jersey sect.

Food:

--You will never be able to cook certain dishes as good as your Jersey Boy’s mom/aunt/grandmother. Don’t bother to attempt her specialty.

--“Gravy” is a catch-all term at the dinner table which can mean the red stuff on pasta or the thick brown goop on Thanksgiving turkeys, and possibly any sauce in between.

--Any meal or family gathering after 1:00 P.M. will probably be accompanied with booze, whereas coffee is served around the clock. It is extremely rude to offer neither beverage. The average blood stream content is 70% of either substance, depending on time of day.

Italian Jersey Boy continues...

08.27.10

Pentagon: Nuke Afghanistan to End Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC — Global warming has wise U.S. military generals drooling onto their chest candy, itchy trigger fingers hovering over the big red button. They claim to have a piss-easy solution. Bombs. Really fucking big ones.

Every third-grader knows the global warming facts. Burn fossil fuels. Emit greenhouse gases. Atmosphere overheats. Glaciers melt. Sea level rises. Cities, nations drown. Widespread panic. Fight for survival. Global Armageddon. The End.

“But not if we drop enough fucking bombs,” Pentagon geniuses said at a press conference yesterday.

End Global Warming continues...

08.26.10

Adult Film Actress Nailed in Sex Trial

BEAVER TAIL, Oregon — Veteran porn actress Marianas “Booby Trap” Everest, 42, was found guilty today of sexual harassment, solicitation, and wanton willy waggling in a Superior Court lawsuit brought by two male adult film former co-workers.

Ms. Everest, star in over 10 thousand lesbian skin flicks over the past 20 years, was fined $69 thousand and ordered to perform 69 hours of community service by the all-male jury. As soon as the verdict was announced her employer, Bonky Tonk Productions, issued a statement that “Booby Trap” Everest was thereby terminated for such lewd and unlawful conduct within Bonky Tonk’s walls.

Adult Film Actress Nailed continues...

08.20.10