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Southern Minister Blasts Facebook as Devil’s Instrument

PIGS HOLLER, SC – The Most Holy Reverend Buford Billy-Bobb, pastor of Heaven’s On-Ramp, the largest Baptist church in the South, vehemently declared the popular Internet social networking website Facebook to be the modern handiwork of The Devil Himself in a fiery sermon last Sunday.

His voice cracking with anger and hostile spittle showering worshipers in the first two rows, the Reverend attacked Facebook for planting impure, unholy, and yes, even salacious images and ideas into the minds of otherwise morally upstanding, churchgoing citizens. He claimed that Facebook was marching people straight off The Lord’s righteous path and into Beelzebub’s eternal inferno of hedonism and sin.

Preacher Billy-Bobb then implored his congregation to cleanse their souls and send Satan straight back to Hell, along with his Facebook app of evil, by throwing their home computers into a Holy Bonfire to be held in the church parking lot this Saturday night.

Facebook as Devil's Instrument continues...

Mad Scientists Lust for Female Aphrodisiac

KUMSHAGG, ME – Since the dawn of time, when the caveman first became erect, males have been frustrated and angered by women’s complete lack of interest in sex. In recent decades, pharmaceutical researchers have doggedly sought a substance which would end this desire disparity by stimulating the female libido, hopefully leading to improved sexual satisfaction and quality of life for both partners. Dr. Needah Lay of the Blue Balls Institute this morning discussed his lab’s discoveries in this field.

“Early Institute researchers first scoured the zoological literature, looking for any species where the females are the sexual aggressors,” Dr. Lay said. “They found only one, the praying mantis. Unfortunately, in that case, after luring her mate and copulating, the female praying mantis then kills and eats the male. Our scientists admittedly were a tad leery of pursuing that lead.”

Nevertheless, pursue it they did, eventually successfully isolating the chemical substance which switched on the female mantis’s mating instincts. Then, by synthesizing and testing thousands of chemical structural derivatives, Institute investigators found one compound for which the pharmaceutically aroused female praying mantis no longer attacked the male after intercourse, but remained cheerful and actually initiated repeat sexual activities. “The female mantis got horny and stayed horny after being dosed. No negative behavior at all. We were finally on the right track.”

Lust for Female Aphrodisiac continues...

Pirates Seize
Coffee Supertanker,
US in Peril

In a mere fourteen days the mighty United States has been brought to its knees. With tortured, writhing, horribly ugly addiction withdrawal symptoms, to be precise.

Since Caribbean pirates assailed and hijacked the USS Achilles Heel, the world’s largest coffee supertanker bound for Manhattan just two weeks ago, America’s lifeblood cups of Joe have dwindled faster than Krispy Kreme doughnuts at a Sheriff’s convention.

Dear ol’ Uncle Sam, no longer able to function without his normal double-grande-with-mocha-and-cream Java-induced hyperactive buzz, was last seen curled in the fetal position on a closed Starbucks sidewalk, fitfully sobbing, sweating profusely, shaking with tremors, and sucking both thumbs.

Pirates Seize Coffee Supertanker continues...