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LeBron James Leaving NBA for Irish Step Dancing

MIAMI – Although there had been subtle hints in recent years from his TV commercials and pre-game warm-ups, no one expected this. NBA superstar LeBron James stunned fans around the world today by announcing that he will retire from basketball when his contract expires and immediately jump to professional Irish Step Dancing.

“Dancing has always been my first love,” the 6’8”, 250 lb power forward said. “Ballet, waltz, tango, whatever. But the first time I saw that Riverdance Flatley guy stomping and kicking around onstage I was like, WOW. That guy’s a total stud. And the music, it gets me right here,” he said, pointing to his heart while nearly choking up.

Before press conference onlookers could pick their flabbergasted jaws up off the floor, LeBron launched into an Irish jig right across the stage, every bit as spectacular as Lord Flatley himself. “I’ve been practicing. See? Irish step dancing is like love and beauty in motion. I’ve got to do this, it’s in my soul,” James said.

LeBron James Irish Step-Dancing continues...

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World Court Overturns
Law of the Jungle

THE HAGUE - Chalk up a major legal victory for the old, the weak, the frail, the small, and the stupid. The World Court, the highest judicial body on Earth, this morning abolished as highly flawed and blatantly discriminatory possibly the oldest law on the planet--the Law of the Jungle.

The landmark case, Connochaetes taurinus vs. Panthera leo, was argued by the African Civil Liberties Union on behalf of the meek and intellectually challenged wildebeest of the Serengeti grasslands.

Utterly fed up after untold millenia of harassment and abuse at the hands (or more precisely, long, razor-sharp claws and large pointy teeth) of the odius predatory lions, the wildebeests finally sought justice at the highest legal level possible.

The evidence produced on the wildebeests’ behalf was irrefutable--a multitude of videotapes from BBC, Nova, National Geographic, and Wild Kingdom documentaries showing, in graphic, gory detail, every manner of wildebeest mistreatment by the accused lions, up to and including murder in broad daylight and heinous, unspeakable corpse abuse.

Law of the Jungle continues...

DE Park Provides
Bridge Jumping Alternative

WILMINGTON — Sick to death of constantly wading into the treacherous, icy cold Brandywine River waters to fish out the bodies, Alapocas Run State Park authorities today held a ribbon cutting opening the park's easy access empty elevator shaft for jumpers.

Signs atop the Alapocas Run State Park bridge over the Brandywine River — Jumping from bridge prohibited. Use empty elevator shaft at right.

The open shaft is conveniently located just past the south end of the river-spanning bridge, near the parking lot, in the decrepit, decaying ruins of the abandoned Bancroft Mills factory.

Park staffers stress that just-completed renovations make the 16th-floor elevator shaft opening easily accessible for everyone, including wheelchairs and even "the lamest of the lame."

Ranger Lucifer Grim said, "Thankfully, now nobody will get killed trying to haul those mangled jumper corpses out of the river rapids. This open shaft will be jumpers' paradise."

"And for us Park staffers, it'll be simple as a Ragu spill down at Superfresh. 'Clean-up on Aisle Six!' "

01.28.13

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